Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
DIAMONDBACKS
Some cacti have more range
Than Conor Jackson in left.
But he can hit some.
.
DODGERS
Poor Jamie McCourt.
All that cash for the players
Where’s her unfair share?
.
GIANTS
A skinny pitcher,
Throwing nothing but BBs
This is his springtime.
.
PADRES
Trade Adrian G?
Better to cut crocuses
Before they blossom.
.
ROCKIES
A sore-armed closer
A thin middle relief corps…
A Street of bad dreams.
Posted 3/30/2010
by Todd Herges
.
From the Ninth Book of Homer’s Odyssey       Â
(Lines 101-112, as translated by J. W. MACKAIL, c. 1905)Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
Then for a while, as long as morn was grey,          Â
And through the increase of the sacred day,           Â
Against them, though they far outnumbered us,     Â
We held our ground and kept in our array.             Â
But at the hour of the descending sun,                    Â
When from the plough the oxen are undone,          Â
Back the Ciconians drove the Achaean host           Â
And broke them, that escape we hardly won          Â
From death and doom: but of my mail-clad host   Â
Six from each ship lay dead upon the coast.           Â
Thence we sailed on, escaping glad from death,     Â
Yet heart-sore for the comrades we had lost.          Â
                                                                               Â
Â
Homer in the Ninth
Then for a while, as they in travel gray,
And through the weather of the autumn day,
Against them, though their fan base outsized ours,
We held our ground and kept
Long past the hour of the descending sun,
When from the beer the vendors are undone,
Back the Angelenos drove Manuel’s men
And broke them, that escape we hand’ly won
From season’s end: beat’n by the red-clad host
The Dodger team lay dead upon our coast.
Thence we moved on, escaping glad from death,
Yet thankful Ryan Howard gives his most.
.
Posted 10/22/2009
By Stuart Shea
Rocks usually roll downhill.
These Rockies aren’t just landfill.
Left for dead in early May,
They’re in the playoff hunt today.
Playing halfway up the sky,
The Rockies feel a mile high.
The Cards may be their October foe,
Which ought to make a lovely show.
They’ll face a guy they used to pay–
That hitting star, Matt Holliday.
With Denver smog vs. St. Louis heat,
The Coors and Bud should flow quite sweet.
.
Posted 9/22/2009
By Stuart Shea
If Pablo Sandoval
Has a fault at all
It’s simply that his uniform can’t fit.
Nobody looks like him
And it will be quite grim
If sometime soon his uniform pants split.
.
Posted 9/15/2009
by Dan Quisenberry (KC Royals, 1979-1988)
.
that first baseball card I saw myself
in a triage of rookies
atop the bodies
that made the hill
we played king of
I am the older one
the one on the right
game-face sincere
long red hair unkempt
a symbol of the ’70s
somehow a sign of manhood
you don’t see
how my knees shook on my debut
or my desperation to make it
the second one I look boyish with a gap-toothed smile
the smile of a guy who has it his way
expects it
I rode the wave’s crest
of pennant and trophies
I sat relaxed with one thought
“I can do this”
you don’t see
me stay up till two
reining in nerves
or post-game hands that shook involuntarily
glory years catch action shots
arm whips and body contortions
a human catapult
the backs of those cards
cite numbers
that tell stories of saves, wins, flags, records
handshakes, butt slaps, celebration mobs
you can’t see
the cost of winning
lines on my forehead under the hat
trench line between my eyes
you don’t see my wife, daughter and son
left behind
the last few cards
I do not smile
I grim-face the camera
tight lipped
no more forced poses to win fans
eyes squint
scanning distance
crow’s-feet turn into eagle’s claws
you don’t see
the quiver in my heart
knowledge that it is over
just playing out the end
I look back
at who I thought I was
or used to be
now, trying to be funny
I tell folks
I used to be famous
I used to be good
they say
we thought you were bigger
I say
I was
.
Published 9/2/2009