Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
20 years
in the same “ugly ass” uniform.
2 full seasons with 40 strikeouts.
Yeah, 40!
A near-.400 season
One more victim of the ’94 strike.
Yet
Consistency
Loyalty
Generosity
Intensity
Are a life beyond numbers
That a plaque can’t cover.
San Diego was proud
of Mr. Padre
And so are we all.
Old Zim
When I think of him
Looks like chaw and tar
And a grand har-har
To those squares
Who don’t care
About baseball
And giving your all
For what you love.
And when push comes to shove,
Had Martinez been 70,
Zim would’ve pounded him plenty.
You’re our kind of guy.
Goodbye, Popeye.
DIAMONDBACKS
Now, the big question:
Will Trumbo survive the fall
From an angel to snake?
DODGERS
Possessing billions
Does not mean that a person
Knows what they’re doing.
GIANTS
The Freak must now prove
That he can effectively
Re-get his Freak on.
PADRES
Who will hang a star
On future great Padres plays
Now that Jerry’s gone?
ROCKIES
Will the Car Go boom?
Will Tulo’s stats be too low?
Will anyone care?
Baseball in August creates many jobs
for travel agents and typesetting slobs.
Rehab assignments, Triple A spot starts,
Pennant aspirants shopping for spare parts.
Roster gods move in mysterious ways–
David DeJesus, three teams in five days?
Colin Cowgill’s grin, Billy Buckner’s frown.
Holy Toledo, Phil Coke’s been sent down!
Some guys can’t clear waivers; others released,
Plus one salary dump in the NL East.
(The Mets helped Pittsburgh in a deal most absurd—
Just tossed them a Buck and flipped them a Byrd.)
Eduardo Sanchez, gone from the big club.
But Ma Arrieta, Jake’s now a Cub!
Brad Boxberger sighs, packs for the bushes.
John Axford heads where the playoff push is.
Contenders reload, pretenders cut bait.
Hey Tuffy Goseswisch, Reno’s your fate.
Jose Constanza the Braves did recall,
with hopes that he’ll help them deep into Fall.
Philly’s less Savery—no Joe in the bigs;
Report sir, at once, to the Iron Pigs.
Ross Wolf’s been optioned to Round Rock Express,
while the Dodgers scooped up Edinson Volquez.
One-line transactions, a queer kind of fame.
Vic Black, you’ve become “Player To Be Named.”
Xavier Avery’s now a Rainier,
maybe Seattle, he’ll see you next year?
Michael X. Ferraro is a writer/producer/lyricist who scans the fine print daily to make sure he hasn’t been outrighted to Lehigh Valley.
Bartolo Colon,
Big and round,
Is on the mound.
Francisco Cervelli,
A-Rod’s teammate,
Is behind the plate.
Jesus Montero
Will suit up at first,
Though his bat is the worst.
Jhonny Peralta
Has a bat to be reckoned,
And we’ll move him to second.
To play at short,
The Padres’ rara,
Everth Cabrera.
At third base, of course,
With broken-down bod,
A-Rod.
Fernando Martinez
Is playing left field,
With a .240 yield.
Melky Cabrera
Will hold down center–
He’s just a renter.
Nelson Cruz
Is out there in right…
At least for tonight.