by Fred Lovato
Media wondered
Could Shohei handle spotlight?
Bat flip quashed concerns
Tommy’s Guarantee
by Tommy Lasorda
I have never, ever,
since I managed,
ever
told a pitcher to throw at anybody,
nor will I ever.
And if I ever did,
I certainly wouldn’t
make him throw
at a
f–king .130 hitter like Lefebvre
or f–king Bevacqua,
who couldn’t hit water
if he fell
out of a f–king boat.
And I guaran-f–king-tee you this:
When I pitched
and I was going to pitch against a team
that had guys on it
like Bevacqua,
I sent a f–king limousine
to get the c–ksucker
to make sure
he was in the motherf–king lineup
because I kicked that c–ksucker’s ass
any day of the week.
He’s a f–king motherf–king big mouth,
I’ll tell you that.
The Olympia Beer Ideal
by James Finn Garner
Two weeks of contests in Paris
Of every conceivable style
Athletes honed like hardened steel
Ladecky, Tebogo, Yee, Li, Biles
What focus and determination
To swim, box, dive, run, throw
Pushing their mental endurance
And how far their bodies can go
They remind me of what John Kruk
Once told a hotel lobby hater.
He said, “Lady, I ain’t an athlete–
I’m a baseball player.”
Throw the (Sports) Book at Him
by James Finn Garner
Now we’ve missed our chance to know
Of Tucupita Marcano
He wasn’t the next DiMaggio
But not everyone can be a hero
MLB said he’s got to go
For treating his phone like a casino
The bets he made — 400 or so —
Made his sportsbook dime him, bro!
Betting is here to stay, so
Get used to stories like Marcano’s
Owners love nothing but centavos
Ruined lives are the quid pro quo
Yikes
by Fred Lovato
Five-run first inning
Yamamoto yanked from game
inauspicious start