Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Freddie Freeman
Plays “Mario Kart” like a demon
But goes down in flames
In single-shooter games.
Scooter Gennett
Prefers natural rennet,
If you please,
When he makes his off-season cheese.
Buster Posey
Thinks everything’s rosy
In the City by the Bay,
But he doesn’t read the paper every day.
Luis Severino
Pitches like a vintage Ford Torino,
Which means in between starts,
It’s hard to find replacement parts.
Please bid adios to the Freak
Released by the Rangers this week
A warm rubber band
In the form of a man
He’s that rarest of players: unique.
When wintry winds cause batsmen
All to whiff and to wail,
They’re laughed off by a moundsman
Whose name is Rich Gale.
While batters may wish it were dry
And comfortably warm,
The winds won’t bother a Davis
With a first name like Storm.
When the field becomes mired
In a swampy wet bog
And the sky is grayed o’er,
Make the call to Josh Fogg.
If the weather gets so bad
Fans all need to take cover,
You need a staff with Jim Coates
And, of course, Gary Glover.
Since “Dem Bums Clubbed Bear Babies,” who knows:
If Bronx Baby Bombers bash ‘Stros,
Are Dodgers Yanks’ “cousin”
Ninth time out of dozen?
Jah must know ‘cuz he asked Billy Loes.*
__________________
* Before dem Bums met the Bronx Bombers in the 1952 World Series, Brooklyn’s resident northpaw wit Billy Loes, when asked his prediction for the series, was quoted, “Yanks in Six.” Headlined the next day, Loes claimed he was misquoted. “I said, ‘Yanks in seven.'”
The Yankees and Dodgers have met in 11 previous times, the most any two teams have met in the Fall Classic (Second, Yanks-Giants (5-2); third, Yanks-Cards (2-3). The Yankees have won eight (1941, ’47, ’49, ’52, ’53, ’56, ’77, ’78). The Dodgers won in 1955 (Brooklyn’s only crown), ’63 and ’81.
As the leaves turn from green to brown
And we rekindle antipathy for Joe Buck
Let’s recall players whose careers are done
And their stories of drive and hope and luck.
Jered Weaver, strikeout ace,
Can now just putter around his place.
Atlanta’s Frenchy, Jeff Francouer
Will now as a TV color man tour.
SF fans can thank Matt Cain
For embiggening the Jints again.
Likewise, Ryan Vogelsong
Can practice bird calls all day long.
Joe Nathan will have to find his thrill
Somewhere other than the bullpen hill.
And Nick Swisher, quintessential bro,
Will just leave a trail of grit where’er he goes.
To these and all other retirees
Thank you for the thrilling years.
Now, with us, relax near the TV,
Watch some playoff ball and enjoy some beers.