Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
The Panda, signed with Red Sox Nation,
For playoff’s payoff expectation.
Switch hits: left ain’t mighty,
But no hits as righty,
Has yet to be on-field sensation.
Giants trade for third baseman McGehee,
To succeed Panda, but he hurt his knee.
Mighty Casey lacks clout,
Better Casey strikes out
Than kill rallies with GIDP.
Like the Giants, I’ve been in a funk,
Like World Champions, my stat line has stunk.
Is this start of the schnide (1)
of bunk odd-year-long ride? (2)
If it is, then this season is sunk.
“April’s the cruelest month,” poets say.
For the Giants, so far, been that way;
Lately, I’ve dealt with clown,
Wouldn’t let my dauber down,
Had last laugh on his busted squeeze play.
Choir sings that “You’ve gotta have heart,
To be champion, must play the part.
Season’s end, Who’d a-thunk
Team would overcome funk,
Have last laugh after ‘on the schnide’ start?”
PS: At home after first day off Champs get,
First-place Bums swept in tense three-game set;
Jints cut three games off lead,
As the Dodger Blue bleed.
Mattingly learns the Jints ain’t dead yet.
———————————
(1) “The Schnide”: what Jews call a losing streak;
“On the schnide,” like the Giants last week,
Means, “Long losing streak on,”
“Off the schnide,” once they’ve won,
Comes from Yiddish, not Latin or Greek.
(2) Around here, hear this “Odd-Even” jive:
Giants’ dynasty: Three of last five.
Crowns in ‘Ten, ‘Twelve, ‘Fourteen,
Odd years “bunk: Shitty Scene”,
No playoffs, but in even years thrive.
schnide: A scoreless, hitless or winless streak. A team or player gets off the schnide when the streak is broken. (Urban Dictionary).
bunk: Shitty, Bogus, counterfeit, nonsense, meaning wack or extremely strange, originating on a low-rent island in Maine. For something to be bunk it must make you want to cry laugh hysterically or, more commonly, run for you life. (Urban Dictionary).
In the Ultimate game the Young Titan once again
Sent a ball into the cold Midwestern night
With a swing so beautiful as to seem unreal.
And That joy once so elusive for the Orange and Black
Was once again within their grasp.
From the late-night Belt
To the Ishikawa blast
(Leaving Matheny aghast)
From the Reverend Pence
Splat against the wall
Tongue lolling
To the champagne dance
We are LOLing
Champions together
#3in5
We might be Giants
Say Hey!
A three-ring cirque du soleil
With a dollop of brouillard
(That’s French for “fog”)
We go yard; we play hard
Olé
Cue Tony Bennett
#3in5
We’ve got Brandons galore
(Crawford, Hicks and Belt)
(And even a Dan — aaargh — Uggla)
An Angel-ic Pagán
And Morse Code tapping SOS and more!
Game-tying crash
Glove wizards Perez and Blanco
White Shark speeding, sailing, soaring
We are Champions
Hashtag World Series
Even years we adore
#3in5
We are Giants
Golden-Gated
Manhattan-transplanted
By Bums we are hated
Eight titles, calculated
Add them, elated
(Three, belated)
Call them banners or flags
Call them rings
Making our heartstrings sing
Forevermore
Demons exorcised
Passions exercised
#3in5
It is the dawning
Of the Age of J. Arias
And LOOGY Lopez too
Lincecum and Cain and Machi
Stricken Strickland
Adrianza, Susac and Sanchez, true
Don’t forget Romo of Sergio
Or long-man Petit
Nor Affeldt, rock-steady Jeremy
Or Duffy speeding homeward
And Posey, our Buster,
Batterymate anchor, aweigh
Awaiting The Hug
#3in5
We are guitar-pickin’, smart-pitchin’ Peavy
Gutsy Gutierrez, strong Vogelsong
Stoic saver Casilla
Cagey Hudson navigating age with grace
Madison Bumgarner, ace of aces
Big Country
Starter, saver, savior
Backed by The Flip
Panik to Crawford
Saving Game 7
Striking icons of history
Hoisting trophy and treasure
#3in5
Bochy the maestro
Baer and Sabean
Flannery, Kelly, Meulens
Righetti and Ron
And all the rest
Named and unnamed
We are Giants
Panda falling backward into eternity
Caught
Captured
Parading into paradise
#3in5
Paul Kocak is the author of Baseball’s Starry Night: Reliving Major League Baseball’s 2011 Wild Card Night of Shock and Awe, which Doris Kearns Goodwin called “a magical book about a magical night.” He followed this with World Serious: One San Francisco Giants Fan’s 2012 Pilgrimage. He is completing a memoir on his life as a Giants fan.
Diamondbacks
One perfect lesson:
“Toughness” is no replacement
for smarts and talent
Rockies
The car will not go
if Car-Go cannot go for
more than half the trip
Dodgers
If Vin Scully calls
a game on SportsNet LA,
does anyone hear?
Padres
Best way to catch flies?
Simple. Put shit in your field!
Oh, wait…they’ve tried that
Giants
The World Champions
now go begging for alms to
replace their lost pence