by Rollin Lynde Hartt
Lives there a man with soul so dead
But he unto himself has said,
“My grandmother shall die today,
And I’ll go see the Giants play”?
Taken from Crazy ’08 by Cait Murphy.
What Would Barry Do?
By Lou Carlozo
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball god!
Thanks to thy steroid brew.
So brothers, sisters, ask yourselves:
What Would Barry Do?
If asked to take the role of Scrooge
From off the dusty shelf,
Quoth Barry, “Let’s rewrite the script.
Tiny Tim can screw himself.”
If we elect Bonds president,
No press conference, woo hoo!
Just bats for the reporters heads–
Now that takes balls to do!
Should Bonds become a doctor?
Surely he deserves a shot,
And so would all his patients:
“Get the steroids while they’re hot!”
Now Barry’s with Paul Simon,
Off to write a song or two.
“Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
I wanna beat the shit outta you.”
So sing no song of Ernie Banks,
Al Kaline or Rod Carew–
They hold no light to Barry Bonds
(Not that they’d’ve wanted to).
‘Tis better to remain a class act
On the field, and off it too,
Or break a record honestly,
Something Barry cannot do.
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball chump!
Your case stinks like a zoo.
We’ll change your name to “Bail” Bonds
When the charges stick to you.
Lou Carlozo is a Chicago Tribune staff writer and producer of the syndicated radio baseball talk show “Diamond Gems,” hosted by George Castle and Les Grobstein. He also produced “We’re Not Gonna Change It,” the song that won the Chicago-Sun Times’ contest imploring Sam Zell not to rename Wrigley Field. Hear the song at myspace.com/loucarlozo.
Posted 4/24/08
2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS
By Stuart Shea
ATLANTA
Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)
ARIZONA
Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.
CHICAGO
Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).
CINCINNATI
Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.
COLORADO
While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.
FLORIDA
A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.
HOUSTON
They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!
LOS ANGELES
Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.
MILWAUKEE
Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.
NEW YORK
Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.
PHILADELPHIA
Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?
PITTSBURGH
Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.
ST. LOUIS
Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.
SAN DIEGO
An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.
SAN FRANCISCO
So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.
A WASHINGTON HAIKU
Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.
Posted 4/2/08
All Right, a Few More Limericks to Pile on Barry
The Barry Bonds Limerick Trilogy: “Three Strikes and Yer Out!”
by Lou Carlozo
Canto One:
Farewell, Barry Bonds, Mr. Droider!
With a noggin as big as a goiter.
Can you take 30 years
Worth of jailbird jeers
In the prison yard parks where you’ll loiter?
Canto Two:
How many home runs could I pump
If I took 90 shots to my rump?
73 in a season?
It must stand to reason
Ask Barry–that Balco-ball chump.
Canto Three:
If Barry partook of the ‘droids,
It’s a cinch his career is destroyed.
Needles stuck in his ass,
Now he’s in a morass–
Strike three, ’cause the Feds are annoyed.
.
The Ho of Fame
by James Finn Garner
If Barry needed any incitement
To confess, now here’s his indictment.
Else, to prison he’ll go
To be someone’s ho,
Where anal rape’s the daily excitement.
.
Back in the News
By Doug White
Barry Bonds is back in the news
On CNN, Fox and even “The View”.
Though reporters have hedged
And say “it’s alleged”,
Everyone knows this time he’s through.
Ode To Willie Mays’ God-Boy AKA The Juice
by Sid Yiddish
Say hey, Willie! Say hey!
Your god-boy Barry is a true filly when it comes to being the next king of swat,
But it won’t matter much, ‘coz he lost his touch, once he started fillin’ up on THE JUICE.
Just like Sammy Sosa and young Mark McGwire, whose Louisvilles were on fire in that great summer of ’98, setting’ new swat records, fillin’ up on THE JUICE.
But THE JUICE is a noose and it only gets tighter, makes the swinger a
singer all the way to the bank, year after year after year, which is until THE JUICE starts to fizz
And the smacking goes to intermittent rain delays down on the field that so many play-by-play color-men describe as “dismal.”
But it’s no matter, Willie, for this boy is your pride and joy, and his greatness will never cause you fatigue.
Still.
Eyebrows will be raised across the league,
The young and the old will debate.
Ruth vs. Aaron, vs. Bonds vs. Mantle vs. Gehrig vs. Sosa vs. McGwire vs. A-Rod vs. any other future famer that is still left intact after they’ve had THE JUICE.
All seems so iffy if you ask me (but you don’t).
So.
Say hey, Willie! Say hey!
There will come the day when THE JUICE will dry up and blow away and all those swingers will age prematurely and become arthritic cripples and bent and lame in their retirement,
Just like you did sadly, dear Willie,
Just like you, without THE JUICE.
Posted 10/17/07