Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Julio Teheran
Loves Duran Duran
But will take a paz
On Yaz.
Yoenis Cespedes
Likes watching “The Apprentice”.
“What I can’t figure out, man,
Is where they found a talking orangutan.”
Marcell Ozuna
Is the big kahuna
In Miami’s centerfield
By Red Groom’s carnival sculpture he’s almost concealed.
Dellin Betances
Took his chances
With a street vendor’s tamales
And is now very solly.
Wilson Ramos
Has become famos
As catcher for the Nats–
Must be the way that he squats.
Francisco Lindor
Likes to golf indoors.
As dangerous as his home gets,
His kids have learned to wear helmets.
Michael Saunders
When his mind meanders
Imagines himself in toque, cape and shorts
Savior of the Great White North.
Matt Wieters
Is such a fussy eater
On every dinner date
He asks an ump to brush his plate.
Salvador Perez–
No matter what anyone says–
Denies ever sharing a tanning booth
With Dr. Ruth.
Jose Altuve
Is fond of the movies,
Especially those that feature
Brain-eating creatures.
Mike Trout
Sulks and pouts.
As the sole Angel, he doesn’t get very far
With his funny imitation of Yunel Escobar.
Ben Zobrist
Has always been so pissed
At being last alphabetically
That he takes his revenge athletically.
Zach Greinke
Is feeling hinky
And regrets his wish
For bottomless Minnesota hot dish.
Hunter Pence
Ended the suspense:
He scares both adults and kids
Cuz he was tragically born without eyelids.
Dellin Betances
Will take his chances,
Gird up his junk-a
And take a dive into Lake Minnetonka.
Derek Jeter
Is a 14-time All-Star repeater
And, if we trust the announcers,
Also invented sliced bread, the Internet and trousers.
Nelson Cruz
Has got nothing to lose.
Though Selig may wince,
He’s gonna show up at the game dressed as Prince
Troy Tulowitzki
Must be throwing fits. He’s
The top vote-getter among NL jocks,
Yet plays for a bottom-feeder like the Rox.
Andrew McCutcheon
Walks around touching
Each and every light switch
Cuz his OCD is just a bitch.
Anthony Rizzo,
That’s a big favor to owe.
You’ll have to deliver, by gawd,
Before they uncover Chicago’s election fraud.
Chase Utley
Needs a course in geography.
Instead of Minnesota,
He booked a flight to North Dakota.
Jose Altuve:
Smooth move, eh?
Spend the week away from Houston,
Maybe get some fishing done.