by Stu Shea
There once was a guy down the pike
Who was blacker than Andy Van Slyke.
He hits like Babe Ruth,
But to tell you the truth,
There’s little ’bout Barry to like.
A Brad (Not a Bad) Penny
by Stu Shea
Throw a Penny at a team,
And count the strikeouts.
Throw a Penny on the hill,
And watch the psych-out.
Other teams with payrolls high
Cannot hit this Dodgers guy
Sometimes talent stands alone!
This penny beats a million bones.
The Return of the Rocket
by Stu Shea
So Roger’s coming back at last.
Be still my heart that beats so fast!
Forgive me if I seem to joke
At Clemens’ latest blow of smoke.
The baseball world stands, mouth agape
As Rocket Man adjusts his cape.
Forgive me if this time I sit
And disregard this silly shit.
It’s not as if he’ll join my team,
So why should I, like others, scream,
“Roger’s back! Oh, praise the Lord!”
If my team his paycheck can’t afford?
“He wants a ring! He loves the game!”
The song remains fore’er the same.
“It’s not the money, not the perks,
It’s ’cause he loves his baseball, jerks!”
So Big George forks up mega-mills
For 15 visits to the hill.
(He doesn’t have to hang around
Those days when he’s not on the mound.)
His “veteran leadership” and arm
Calm Torre’s typical alarm.
But is it right to pay and pay
A guy who plays the game this way?
No matter what his season holds,
I’m waiting til next year unfolds,
And he retires, the spoiled dunce,
And keeps a promise just this once.
A Poem for Lou Piniella
by James Finn Garner
Quite a fella,
That Lou Piniella.
He ain’t yella,
You can tella.
He joined the Cubs
To lead those scrubs
And prove past flubs
Were yesterday’s stubs.
A Herculean task?
Don’t even ask.
In last year’s grotesque,
They finished dead last.
But with Al Soriano
And Carlos Zambrano,
The team may be on to
A World Series, pronto.
And if the Cubs win
A World Series, then
The fans will have gin
Drenching their chins.
If not, then old Lou
Will have some ‘splainin’ to do,
Which he’ll probably do
With a meltdown or two.
A Man Named “Pronk”
by Stu Shea
He hits like a God
And runs like a statue.
If you throw a fastball,
He’ll line it back at you.
Before the DH,
He might have been stuck
In minor-league ball
With a lot of bad luck.
Would his defense have been mocked like poor old Smead Jolley’s?
Booting balls like he’s starring in Flo Ziegfeld’s “Follies”?
Who knows? He’d still be a hero while swinging the wood.
If we “designate” Hafner, just designate him “good.”