Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by Stu Shea
What’s in a Name?
Elijah Dukes will use his fists,
Delmon Young has room to grow.
James Shields gives protection to his team.
Jorge Cantu just can’t play,
And Jae Ryu’s goose is Kuked,
While Carlos’ twinge of Pena makes him scream.
But nothing Maddons a manager more
Than giving up a five-run lead,
Burning a bullpen
That sucks indeed.
Posted after the Rays gave up six runs in the bottom of the ninth to lose to the Blue Jays, 12-11, on June 5.
by James Finn Garner
Oh, it isn’t easy
Being A.J. Pierzynski.
Not one to appease, he
Is always called sleazy.
He’s never mistaken
For Francis Assisi.
He’d start a rhubarb
In a game of Parcheesi.
Ozzie will say that
He’ll see him in Hades–he
Then says they’re twins,
Near Siamese-y.
Other team’s say his
Play’s pretty cheesy.
If bad vibes were pollen,
The whole league would be sneezy.
But to find a smart catcher
Ain’t easy-peasy.
I’d rather hunt crocs on
The River
Like being the man
On the flying trapeze-y,
It ain’t never easy
Being A.J. Pierzynski.
by James Finn Garner
Quite a fella,
That Lou Piniella.
He ain’t yella,
You can tella.
He joined the Cubs
To lead those scrubs
And prove past flubs
Were yesterday’s stubs.
A Herculean task?
Don’t even ask.
In last year’s grotesque,
They finished dead last.
But with Al Soriano
And Carlos Zambrano,
The team may be on to
A World Series, pronto.
And if the Cubs win
A World Series, then
The fans will have gin
Drenching their chins.
If not, then old Lou
Will have some ‘splainin’ to do,
Which he’ll probably do
With a meltdown or two.
by Stu Shea
He hits like a God
And runs like a statue.
If you throw a fastball,
He’ll line it back at you.
Before the DH,
He might have been stuck
In minor-league ball
With a lot of bad luck.
Would his defense have been mocked like poor old Smead Jolley’s?
Booting balls like he’s starring in Flo Ziegfeld’s “Follies”?
Who knows? He’d still be a hero while swinging the wood.
If we “designate” Hafner, just designate him “good.”
by Stu Shea
The Royals were frugal
And traded Mike MacDougal.
He turns ballgames into kugel.