by Count Basie and his Orchestra
“Don’t Go to the Pen”
by the Baseball Project
In the words of the Baseball Project, “This is the first of a series of songs we’ll be releasing regularly throughout the 2021 baseball season. The idea is that we pull a story from the morning headlines, write and record a song and post it while the ink is still wet. Quick, fired up and on the newsstand for the evening edition. ” You can follow them (with the familiar names of Peter Buck, Mike Mills and Steve Wynn) on Youtube or support them on Bandcamp.
Baseball’s Sad Lexicon, Part 2
by Jim Siergey
This is the verdict from the Hall of Fame
No Clemens or Bonds or Schilling
Two of them carry steroids-ball shame
That’s Clemens and Bonds, not Schilling
His bigoted speech disgraces us all
None of those giants now stand very tall
So there’s no enshrinement inside of the Hall
For Clemens or Bonds or Schilling.
“Yo Dodger Blue” by Harry Nilsson
Bob Dylan’s 2017 Forecast: “Ballad of a Cringe Man”
by Lou Carlozo
You walk into the booth with your microphone in your hand
The barflies see you on TV: “Oh crap, not him again!”
You smugly shrug it off but you don’t understand
Compared to Ernie Harwell, man, you suck
And the fans of baseball hate you, but you don’t know why that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?
The Bleacher Bums are reeling, they’re about to lose their lunch
You’re the brat pre-adolescent everybody wants to punch
Even Harry Caray gets his undies in a bunch
From his grave I heard him moaning, “What the f*ck?”
Perhaps you’d raise a Bud to him, but you don’t know what that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?
You flash your trusty press pass and you saunter to the booth
It’s time to practice color, but it’s black-and-white in truth
You may be Jack Buck’s son, but chances are he raised a goof
Perhaps you’ll get run over by a truck
The viewers want Bob Uecker, but you don’t know who that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?
Here’s a Series match-up that we all would die to see:
You against the Hot Dog Man calling Game 1 on TV
The Hot Dog Man sees ironies and humor you can’t see
And should you crack a joke, we’d say “Good luck”
We’d send you to the minors, but you don’t know where that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?
Somewhere there’s kid who wants to call the games like you
“Well, kid, here’s how it works, I’m gonna to tell you what to do:
Beat to death a Clayton Kershaw hero trope or two
Until his arm goes lamer than a duck.”
It’s time to turn the sound down, but you don’t care why that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?
Now you ignore the Cubs fan
Shouting the word “UGH!”
The Indian fans are flustered
Crying in their mugs
And you say, “What’s the matter?”
And they scream back, “Earlplugs!
“Give us some or else we’ll yell, ‘Go home!’”
The umps would call you “out,” but you can’t see why that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?
So get yourself a job, you can mow Vin Scully’s lawn
Or maybe Theo Epstein needs himself a worthless pawn
Too bad you can’t be traded for a pitcher with no arm
Call Ernie Broglio’s agent, you stupid schmuck
But Broglio is crying, though you don’t know why that is
Do you . . . Mr. Buck?