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An Umpire’s Lot is Not a Happy One

by Patrick McCaughey

(Major League Baseball’s batting out-of-order rule, set to the tune of “The Policeman’s Song” from The Pirates of Penzance)

6.07 (a)

A batter shall be called out on appeal (on appeal)
When he fails to bat in his proper turn (proper turn)
Though the batter’s fate cannot be fully sealed (fully sealed)
‘Til the status of another batter’s learned (batter’s learned).

6.07 (b)

When that improper batter safely gets on (safely gets on)
Or is put out, and the other team appeals (team appeals)
Before a pitch or play is newly put on (newly put on)
The umpire has two rulings to reveal (to reveal):

6.07 (b) (1), 6.07 (b) (2)

Call out whose spot was taken by the other (by the other)
And nullify the play the other batter’s done (batter’s done).
Ah, take one consideration with another (with another)
An umpire’s lot is not a happy one (happy one).

Ahhh
When constabulary duty’s to be done (to be done),
An umpire’s lot is not a happy one.

 

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The Canning of Mr. Met

by James Finn Garner

With apologies (not really needed) to Robert W. Service

There are strange things done in a season’s run
.   By the characters ’round Citi Field
The yardbird gramps will loiter on ramps
.   And tell you to keep your eyes peeled.
The borough of Queens has staged horrible scenes
.   But the horriblest of them yet
Was a dark night in May, with the team put away,
.   We got flipped off by Mr. Met.

Now Mr. Met, let no one forget,
.   Has been around since the Amazin’s began.
The face of the team had a smile that beamed
.   Brighter than any real Gotham man.
So when miserable play, day after day,
.   Leaves the line twixt patience and torture blurred
It should be no surprise that even this guy
.   Is reduced to giving the bird.

The Brewers had bombed ol’ Jacob deGrom
.   And, heckled by some random slob,
Mr. Met let loose with a low-flying goose
.   And now is out of a job.
When you see him there, in the crowd in Times Square,
.   Taking snaps for tips with Iowa teens
With Elmo and Kermit, slow down and permit
.   Him to reflect on what might have been.