“The Baseball Boogie” (1986)
(Horrible funk songs, #4 in a series)
Cashman Oh Cashman
by Doug K
Sung to the tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”
Cashman, oh Cashman
We know Hal is rich…
Find us at last,
Someone to pitch.
Game after game
In late innings it’s blown.
So find us a clo-ser,
… of our own.
For AA…
Make him like Sparky!
For Hoss,
Wetteland’s fastball would be nice.
For me, well, I wouldn’t holler …
A Rivera-like cutter so they swing thrice!
Cashman, oh Cashman
Please go through your book
Because it is time
To give Holmes the hook.
Night after night
We cough up the lead
While you dumpster dive
… out of greed.
CASHMAN:
Fellas, I’ve found him!
Have I got a guy for you
He had thirty saves…
In 1992.
Still, he’s got good stuff. Good stuff.
So nu? He’s due.
His peripherals are amazing
All ground outs. No loft!
We’ll use him once and then…
His arm falls off.
CASHMAN:
Fellas, you’ll love this…
This closer’s been here before.
He sweats like a pig
But he throws 104.
They go straight as an arrow.
His pitches come in true.
They hit them just as fast…
So we’ll turn two!
CASHMAN:
This next one has a temper.
A clubhouse chair he’ll fight…
But only when he’s sober
So we’re alright…
Cashman, oh Cashman
You suck at your job.
Your salary, and our souls you rob.
Do us a favor and quit the team soon…
You can’t make a trade.
Can’t sign a guy.
Can’t draft at all.
Can’t win a ring!
…and take with you Aaron Boone.
This appeared first in the indispensable Yankee blog, It Is High, It Is Far, It Is ….caught.