Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
I seen some pitchers scared of my bat
Paint the corners, standing pat
What about them “unwritten rules”?
Pitch me straight and you’ll get schooled
Oh baby, that’s hard to change
I can’t tell them how to pitch
High inside, low away
Sooner or later, I’ll crush that bitch
Walk on, walk on, walk on, walk on . . .
Each year, before the first spring training game, the late Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell would read from the Song of Solomon (2:11-12).
To the tune of “Slide, Kelly, Slide”
I played a game of baseball down at old Chavez Ravine
The crowd was intermittent, and the heat was fierce and keen
A nobler lot of people there might have chanced to play
But you would never hear that said from teammates in L.A.
The game was quickly started while I sat on the bench
Waiting for Mattingly to call upon a would-be mensch.
Hernandez drew a walk and then it was my turn to bat,
Eked out a quiet single and there was no need to spat.
(Chorus):
Slide, Utley, slide! The fray will never end
Slide, Utley, slide! Your havoc they’ll suspend
If your blows are just too crushing, and you aren’t duly blushing
They won’t take you to Flushing! Slide, Utley, slide!
Twas in the seventh inning they called me in, you’ll find
But once I got to first, moving along was on my mind.
But something was the matter, sure I couldn’t see the ball
But my slide into the base broke down Tejada’s leg and all
I was running down the baseline, I figured that he tripped
For when I tumbled into him, he got severely flipped.
‘Twas a most unpleasant feeling, though at first they called me out;
We both were rattled, and that’s when the fans began to shout;
(Chorus)
They overturned the play so to the base I got to go
The way they took Tejada out, it must have been a show.
On Gonzalez then depended the victory or defeat,
And he came through to show the world that we would not be beat.
Five to two was the score of the game when we got done,
But when I got suspended I thought that was much less fun.
The news got home ahead of me, they said I couldn’t play;
The fans told me that I should sue, and then began to say . . .
(Chorus)