Cashman Oh Cashman

by Doug K

Sung to the tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”

Cashman, oh Cashman
We know Hal is rich…
Find us at last,
Someone to pitch.

Game after game
In late innings it’s blown.
So find us a clo-ser,
… of our own.

For AA…
Make him like Sparky!
For Hoss,
Wetteland’s fastball would be nice.
For me, well, I wouldn’t holler …
A Rivera-like cutter so they swing thrice!

Cashman, oh Cashman
Please go through your book
Because it is time
To give Holmes the hook.

Night after night
We cough up the lead
While you dumpster dive
… out of greed.

CASHMAN:
Fellas, I’ve found him!
Have I got a guy for you
He had thirty saves…
In 1992.
Still, he’s got good stuff. Good stuff.
So nu? He’s due.

His peripherals are amazing
All ground outs. No loft!
We’ll use him once and then…
His arm falls off.

CASHMAN:
Fellas, you’ll love this…
This closer’s been here before.
He sweats like a pig
But he throws 104.

They go straight as an arrow.
His pitches come in true.
They hit them just as fast…
So we’ll turn two!

CASHMAN:
This next one has a temper.
A clubhouse chair he’ll fight…
But only when he’s sober
So we’re alright…

Cashman, oh Cashman
You suck at your job.
Your salary, and our souls you rob.
Do us a favor and quit the team soon…

You can’t make a trade.
Can’t sign a guy.
Can’t draft at all.
Can’t win a ring!

…and take with you Aaron Boone.

This appeared first in the indispensable Yankee blog, It  Is High, It Is Far, It Is ….caught.

 

How Not to Draw a Walk

By Hilary Barta

Some players are known for their spit
Far fewer for something they writ
This unusual bat
Should have its own stat
And with it the guy got a hit!

Toronto’s Ernie Clement comes prepared for class against the Cubs on August 16, 2024, Players Appreciation Day.

Obituary

by Dave Margolis

Joe Andrews died on Monday
Played a little ball in the minors
Back in the early 50’s
Quit when he was 24
Terrible drunk

He beat that in time
Got married
Sold cars
Had 4 daughters and a son

But in his playing days
He helped out a skinny colored kid
That the locals were mean to
Joe carried a bat with him
When he left the locker room
A Louisville Slugger

And when the diners refused to serve
The skinny colored kid
Joe would sit in the bus and eat with him

He didn’t know someday the kid would be
Henry Aaron
That didn’t enter into it
Joe just saw a scared skinny kid
That folks were mean to

Joe drank too much
He couldn’t run a lick
And it was just a matter of time
(Once they started curvin’ him)
But he knew how to use that Louisville Slugger

Joe Andrews, who in fact died in 2001, helped Hall of Famer Hank Aaron overcome racism in the early days of his career. Andrews and Aaron played with the Braves’ Class A farm team in Jacksonville in 1953. Andrews backed Aaron as he endured racist taunts and slurs, and carried a Louisville Slugger to scare away attackers when he was with Aaron on the street. While Aaron went on to break Babe Ruth’s career home run record of 714, Andrews struggled with alcoholism, and his career fizzled. He quit baseball at 24 after three years with Jacksonville. Later he quit drinking and helped prisoners in his local county jail who suffered from addiction.