Archive for April, 2008
3 Detroit Tiger Haikus
by Gary Gillette
Detroit Tigers Haiku No. 1
Legless catchers spawn
Famously angry peaches.
Hay market/Hey, Michigan!
Detroit Tigers Haiku No. 2
Wahoo Sam divides
Matty Mac from Cobb the Peach.
The loon shrieks “Ee-yah.”
Detroit Tigers Haiku No. 3
Hank’s Hebrew hammer
Batters crystal hatred…knocked
To green fields beyond.
Posted 4/25/08
What Would Barry Do?
By Lou Carlozo
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball god!
Thanks to thy steroid brew.
So brothers, sisters, ask yourselves:
What Would Barry Do?
If asked to take the role of Scrooge
From off the dusty shelf,
Quoth Barry, “Let’s rewrite the script.
Tiny Tim can screw himself.”
If we elect Bonds president,
No press conference, woo hoo!
Just bats for the reporters heads–
Now that takes balls to do!
Should Bonds become a doctor?
Surely he deserves a shot,
And so would all his patients:
“Get the steroids while they’re hot!”
Now Barry’s with Paul Simon,
Off to write a song or two.
“Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
I wanna beat the shit outta you.”
So sing no song of Ernie Banks,
Al Kaline or Rod Carew–
They hold no light to Barry Bonds
(Not that they’d've wanted to).
‘Tis better to remain a class act
On the field, and off it too,
Or break a record honestly,
Something Barry cannot do.
Oh Barry Bonds! Ye baseball chump!
Your case stinks like a zoo.
We’ll change your name to “Bail” Bonds
When the charges stick to you.
Lou Carlozo is a Chicago Tribune staff writer and producer of the syndicated radio baseball talk show “Diamond Gems,” hosted by George Castle and Les Grobstein. He also produced “We’re Not Gonna Change It,” the song that won the Chicago-Sun Times’ contest imploring Sam Zell not to rename Wrigley Field. Hear the song at myspace.com/loucarlozo.
Posted 4/24/08
One Born Every Minute
by Sid Yiddish
I’ll never puke at home, yessirree,
While watching Fukudome play baseball on TV.
His hitting is sensational, a real superstar in his prime.
It’s just that…well, he plays for the Cubs,
America’s loveable losers, the Major League’s true blue flubs.
And well, I doubt he was brought in just for his ability to hit, no management needs to sell tickets and you can’t sell tickets to a game, if the team plays so lame, so you need to ornamentate the actuality with a little gold lame’.
Just to bring the suckers in…
Yeah, there’s one born every minute.
Posted 4/23/08
