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Three Fates and Yer Out!

By James Finn Garner

As ten decades of failure concluded
(The odds against which—mighty steep!),
The Three Fates sat in the Wrigley bleachers,
One last great appointment to keep.

There Clotho with distant expression
Spun thread from her distaff with ease,
The flaxen content of life in her hands,
Her scorecard spread over her knees.

Her sister Lachesis sat by her
To measure each thread to its length,
Her face a smear of SPF 50
As the sun beat down in its strength.

Lastly, Atropos, peddler of doom,
Whose shears sever man’s vital thread,
Was letting the line pile up at her feet
And glassily staring ahead.

What could cause the Fates’ dereliction,
Prolonging the Cubs’ misery?
What forces conspire to cruelly delay
The end of this sad century?

Beside the gals sat die-hard Bacchus,
With grapes twined in his Cubs visor.
“You can’t leave now—we can still score some runs!
Hey Beer Man—bring four more Budweisers!”

Posted 9/12/08

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Dreadlocks in the Wind

by JHB

Goodbye, Manuel Aristides,
At times we all were far too cruel,
But you had the grace to point both hands
While smilin’ like a fool.
They disparaged you in the Herald,
Made innuendoes in the Globe.
They chased you all around the Hub,
Caught in flashbulbs like a strobe.

And it seems to me you lived your life
With your dreadlocks in the wind,
Steppin’ quickly in the Monster
Just to take a whiz,
And you would have been our hero,
But you were just a kid.
Your time here ran out long before
Your legend ever did.

Manny being Manny’s tough,
The toughest role you ever played,
But your bat made you a superstar,
And pain’s the price you paid.
Even when you left,
The press still had too much to say.
All that Boston.com would comment
Was that Manny didn’t want the trade.

And it seems to me you lived your life
With your dreadlocks in the wind,
Catchin’ flies and givin’ high-fives
Before you’d throw it in,
And you would have been our hero,
But you were just a kid,
Your time here ran out long before
Your legend ever did.

Goodbye, Manuel Aristides,
Though I never knew you at all,
You had the feel to play left field,
Fielding caroms off the Wall.
Goodbye, Manuel Aristides,
From the young boy in a Monster Seat,
Who saw you as something not so infantile,
Maybe what he would like to be,

And it seems to me you lived your life
With your dreadlocks in the wind,
If the role was just too much to bear,
It’s not as if you sinned,
And you would have been our hero,
But you were just a kid,
Your time here ran out long before,
Your legend ever did.

  Posted 9/10/08

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Sportswriter William Blake on the Yankees–Red Sox Game of 8/26

By Hart Seely

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold the playoffs in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A bullpen fill’d with doves and pigeons
Gives up runs thru’ all its regions.
A boat sunk at its master’s buoy
Predicts the ruin of our Matsui.

Each outgrowth of Giambi hair
A fibre from the brain does tear.
With Joba wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.

The A-Rod clipt and arm’d for fight
Hopes pitcher hurls from left, not right.
Every Pudge and Damon howl
Sends to hell a redsock soul.

The bat that flits at close of eve
Has kill’t the fans that won’t believe.
The team that calls upon tonight
Shall send the loser home in fright.

Hart Seely is the author of the hilarious Mother Goose Goes to Washington, as well as Oh Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, newly released in a 15th-anniversary edition. He often hangs around the Yankee website, It is High, It is Far, It is….caught, offering tasteful and constructive comments to management and players alike.

Posted 9/8/08.

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Bad Culture

by Sid Yiddish

If you please, I’d like some goat cheese, to dispel the myth, from spring to fall
I’d like nothing better than to watch the Cubs capture it all, but one can’t be too sure,
For the milk has to be pure and not tainted with so much
Bad culture,
And bad culture is 100 years of rotten ills,
Makes the old men drink hard liquor and swallow pills to forget about all that bitterness in between.
Ha!
Like 2008 is going to set anyone straight!
It’s just another great debate and besides, it’s now mid-summer and the slide has slowly begun,
Which, when all is said and done, will lead them nowhere but to empty banter on Opening Day, 2009.

Posted 9/4/08

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Manny Being Gone

by Mark Bazer

The Red Sox traded Manny.
It was the right thing to do.

He may spend hours in the cage
And put up stats to earn his wage,

But he didn’t hustle, he didn’t care.
His main priority was his hair.

The Red Sox traded Manny.
It was the right thing to do.

The Sox have youth, they’ll be OK,
But the same is true of Tampa Bay.

Battling fourth now is Youkilis.
The Sox are officially kook-i-less.

The Red Sox traded Manny,
I may stop caring, too.

Mark Bazer is a humor columnist for Tribune Media Services.  You can find more of his work at markbazer.com.

Posted 9/1/08