Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
BALTIMORE ORIOLES
“They might break even
if the young pitching improves.”
We’ve heard this before.
BOSTON RED SOX
After a tough loss
the new manager searches
for false-nose glasses
SEATTLE MARINERS
Jesus can create
a feast from loaves and fishes,
but Jesus can’t catch.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
With steroids now banned
normal aging will resume.
The cliff draws near.
DETROIT TIGERS
Trying to play third
when first base is a stretch could
drive a man to drink.
Connor and Josh performing their poem “Baseball” at The Cantab Lounge in Boston, Mass., at The National Poetry Slam in 2011. They were representing The Loser Slam venue from New Jersey.
ATLANTA BRAVES
So many moons past…
The spring of Chipper gives way
To rust and pallor
MIAMI MARLINS
New house and new name
Young folks up til all hours
The Blizzard of Ozz
NEW YORK METS
They built this Citi.
Now they have to live in it
Short fences or not
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
At the keystone sack
Nothing but questions surface
In this pennant Chase
WASHINGTON NATIONALS
Message from the East—
“Beware high expectations”
Tapped out in Morse code
Got `em got `em got `em
don`t got `em
Got `em got`em
don`t got `em
The clear flick of the cards
as I flip through Doug’s doubles
cuts thick August heat, summer, 1968
in the dusty field behind his house.
Look what I found, you guys.
His little brother Matt shows us
A magazine called Swank
wrinkled up and dirty.
Nothing like that
in our rubber-banded stacks.
We make a deal with Matt
and he flips through our doubles
Got `em got `em don`t got `em
as we silently turn the worn pages
and our mouths get dry.
Jim Daniels is the Thomas Stockham Baker Professor of English at Carnegie Mellon University, where he has taught creative writing for 30 years.
LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM ETC.
Albert doesn’t want
Us to call him “The Man,” so
Let’s call him “The Bank.”
OAKLAND ATHLETICS
Manny is Manny.
Elderly is elderly.
Money is wasted.
SEATTLE MARINERS
The only thing worse
Than hitting Ichiro first
Is hitting him third
TEXAS RANGERS
Media outrage
Over Josh Hamilton’s life?
A pile of cow turds