Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
With apologies to Robert Frost
Some say the team will end with Miller,
Some say with Tex.
From what I’ve seen of bullpen filler,
I’d much prefer a quicker killer.
But if we’re bound to perish next,
I think I know enough of fate
To say that for destruction, Tex
Is not as great
As oral sex.
Is Starlin out tonight?
Is his future cloudy or bright?
Cubs think that he’s way overdue
Fans’ hopes are all high
They see that pie in the sky
Cubs like Baez and Russell, too
We all know the choice is a hard one
Shortstop’s a crowded avenue
He’s still here, some ask “Why?”
His batting average once was high
But now it’s disappearing from view
And Joe doesn’t have eyes for you
So, is Starlin out tonight?
Will Adam or Javy be right?
Will he no longer wear Cubbie Blue?
Archimedes, genius of Syracuse
In the old Punic Wars, made no excuse
When it came to science and invention.
He’d move the Earth, was his assertion,
With a lever of his own construction.
Quite a feat . . . and all that exertion.
In discovery, Archimedes stands tall,
But what’s not known: He never did solve
The problem of round bat hitting round ball.
On a pitcher, the game makes demands
On his shoulders a weight sometimes lands
When tossing to first
Jon Lester could burst
But instead throws the ball in the stands.
The fourth retro rule came and went,
periodically,
.               according
to whether or not the Lords felt
that offense was getting out of hand,
.                                                      and
that was the legalization of doctored pitches
When such a change was deemed necessary
each team was permitted one such pitcher,
and that pitcher had to be so designated
before the start of the season,
.                                    which
was the only time such designation
could be changed
.                            (such designees
were always grandfathered until retirement
when the pitches again became illegal)
Defacing the ball with
thumbtacks
nail files
emery boards
sandpaper,
.             or
any of the myriad other implements
that had ever been used
was not permitted,
.                           and
attempts to get around the rule
by having the catcher or another player
‘accidentally’ doctor the ball
disappeared with the advent
of the intention-reading umpire
With increased awareness of disease transmission
the use of spit or any other
human or animal bodily fluid
was strictly verboten;
the penalty for any such use
was immediate lifetime banishment
if the fluid was carrying disease,
a two-year banishment if it wasn’t
.                                                          And
there was no need for taking such risks;
increasing chemical knowledge
and the development of new chemicals
had made such methods obsolete,
.                                               with
the only rules being the chemicals
could not be hazardous
nor could they discolor the ball
.                                              And
while they never quite fulfilled the fantasy
of It Happens Every Spring
they always
effectively redressed
the perceived imbalance until the time
they were again made illegal
Michael Ceraolo, a retired firefighter/paramedic, follows sports and writes poetry, mainly about the Cleveland area. This poem first appeared in Ygdrasil, Vol. XXIII, Issue 8, Number 268.