Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Aaron Judge
Wants to leave a ball-shaped smudge
On the bleacher seats
Of every ballpark he meets.
Jose Altuve
Is feeling real groovy
Slulrping down shaved ice
And driving around like “Miami Vice”.
Chris Sale
Drinks a pail
Of prune juice before each start–
That face is him holding in every fart.
Zack Cozart
Isn’t much for art.
He thinks that big thing by Red Grooms
Indicates use of ‘shrooms.
Tito Francona
Is a bona
Fide baseball Einstein.
We hope real soon he’ll be feeling fine.
Alex Wood
Pitches so good
He can play in-
Stead of the injured Clayton.
Jonathan Schoop
Is no dope–
For Miami, bought sunscreen
And some Word Search magazines.
Miguel Sano
Bit into a poblano
And let out a roar
Due to a cold sore.
Swing and a miss
Snap and a hiss
Strike em out
Throw em out
Wins the day
Without a doubt
The Cubs were the favorite this year
But their flubs have the faithful in tears
Whether it’s hitting or fielding
Or oppo hits yielding,
The W’s scant waving ‘round here.
Baseball is a game of failure
I hear people say this daily
Last Friday
I was talking to a guy
About the road to the Final Four
He wants more ESPN
More college hoops
More NHL, NFL, and MLS
At first I’m nodding along
Then I started envisioning
An invisible painting
Hanging before me
A blend of 90% fescue
With freshly raked dirt
Demarcating the infield
Suddenly my mouth waters
I can taste popcorn salt
Smell yeasty beer
Hear drunks arguing
While another batter
Gets punched out
Meanwhile I’m thinking
This isn’t productive
I’m just sitting there
Growing older
Having spent my money
On a long drive and
Expensive parking
But for a few hours
I’ve been transported
Transformed, I’ve escaped
My burdens at work and home
Have accumulated
The ballpark is grimy
Even the new ones
Are gray slabs of concrete
Baseball is a business
Chewing up players
Sucking them dry
A capitalist enterprise
Time is so precious
Why would I waste it
Contemplating the futility
Of a rainy day at the ballpark
When I could be
Getting ahead in life?
But I have a secret:
I know why
The caged batter
Swings