Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
They’re getting pumped in Motown
For the torrid Wild Card race!
If they rack up division wins,
They’ll surge up to second place
Enough to struggle in October
By God’s and Minnesota’s grace,
And clear the stench of summer
Unless they fall on their whiskered face.
Cole Ragans
Believes that pagans
Get a bad rap in the papers
And also happen to be great landscapers.
Josh Naylor
Has a great tailor
Who crafts slacks for travel
That don’t unravel.
Isaac Paredes
Loves eating spiedies,
Burgoo, tamales, chislic, etouffee–
All the regional dishes of the USA.
Carlos Correa
Has nary a
Bad word to say
About the films and good works of Danny Kaye.
Chicago White Sox
Best to seek new park
Before taking the field with
A terrible team.
Cleveland Guardians
An empty cave, just
Like the Guardians’ lineup,
Hasn’t any bats.
Detroit Tigers
Actual prospects,
Bringing April to those who
Want to hope again.
Kansas City Royals
Tethered by contract,
Regardless of performance—
To Witt: 11 years.
Minnesota Twins
By the river live
Siblings united by love
For their baseballists.
“Welcome to Miami”
As Will Smith sings
Or sung, in 1997
Back when Ken Griffey Jr. was the best
But now it’s you, Luis
And while you are not Judge
At the plate, you judge better than any other.
You slap the ball around like King Richard, like the Prince of Bel-Air at the Oscars.
Welcome to Miami.
All rise for Arráez.
And Mr. López. Oh, Pablo?
You best be a Picasso on that mound
‘Cause honey, the Twins just parted ways with a diva.
Minnie, she just took a gamble on your fire.
So bring it, Señor López
Paint me a Picasso, Pablo.
And make it prettier than Portrait of Dora Maar
Make it prettier than a nice shiny batting average.
Make some art, Pablo.
Paint me a World Championship.
James Callan grew up in Minneapolis. He lives on the Kāpiti Coast, New Zealand and is more than likely the biggest Twins baseball fan in the country. He lives on a small farm with his wife Rachel and his little boy Finn.