by James Finn Garner
I don’t think the new analytics
Would’ve helped Norm Cash worth a lick
For Killebrew, Mantle,
F. Robby and Randle,
A beer and a cig did the trick.
This Year’s Departures
by James Finn Garner
The season is done, the jocks are stored
Only two teams are left on the board
Let’s pause now, while for Friday we wait,
And salute the retirements of a few greats.
Pujols hit his 700th for the Cards
And now will have time to work on his yard.
Bosox and Cubs champ Jon Lester
Now is an official hammock tester.
Music lover Kurt Suzuki
Can learn the banjo or bouzouki
After the majors, Ádrian González played on
But after this year, A-Gon done gone.
Melky Cabrera, the man and the myth,
Will star in community theater: “The Melkman Cometh.”
And if anyone’s looking for J.A. Happ,
He’s out on the patio, taking a nap.
And Raise Minimum Age of Pitchers to 30
by James Finn Garner
Nelson Arraez takes the batting crown
But at .316 it’s historically down
So let’s ban the shift
To give the numbers a lift
And a pitch clock so batters aren’t clowned.
Another Sub-.500 Year
By James Callan
The crack of the bat is more addicting than crack
or crackerjacks, for that matter,
as the batter cracks a jack
into the third deck, oh heck!
It clips the end of my glove,
my beer, obliterated on the big screen above.
While down on the diamond, bat flip, mad pride,
silver or gold bobbing with the swag of each stride
as some Bronx Bomber rounds the bases,
all those loud, elated New York faces.
And me, in my Twins hat
wishing just once that
1991 would come again,
Homer Hanky, Minnesota zen.
Me, still thinking about Chili Davis, Kirby Puckett.
Another sub-500 year; you know what? Fuck it.
James Callan grew up in Minneapolis. He lives on the Kāpiti Coast, New Zealand and is more than likely the biggest Twins baseball fan in the country. He lives on a small farm with his wife Rachel and his little boy Finn.
Waiting for Comeuppance
by James Finn Garner
In the Midwest we’re not prone to bragging
We like socks with sandals and double-bagging
We like a 30-pack and jerky from Kasey’s
And are still suspicious of Macy’s.
We don’t get too big for our britches
Unless the subject is hot dishes.
We take our time reaching decisions
And are in no rush to win the division.
