Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
With apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge
In Canada did Kluber’s clan
A stately baseball dome lay waste
Where Molson’s had in rivers ran
Through taverns ‘cross the frozen land
. Â Â Now left a sour taste
But once before had Cleveland’s Merritt
Begun a game, yet they could bear it
With Miller near to pull his load
The ball did Crisp and Carlos paste
A gonfalon triumph on the road
And two decades of grief erased.
Before the Fall gets underway,
Let us doff our caps and say
Goodbye to those who’ll junk their cleats,
Leave the park and walk the streets.
Super-versatile Angel Chone
Will now be the utility man at home.
Grant Balfour, hothead Aussie,
Can only fume when his wife gets bossy.
Phil Humber’s vaunted perfect game
Was his sole stat worth noting (such a shame).
The Prince has trouble with his neck–
He’ll inspire no more fear on-deck.
Tex and A-Rod will leave the Yanks
And all their fans will mumble thanks,
While Raf Soriano has called an end
To tell war stories, a fine fireman.
But let’s not forget the other guys,
Young tyros once, with starry eyes,
Who gave their all but somehow missed
The general manager’s call-up list.
They’re just as key to the game as any
Adam LaRoche or Brad Penny.
Talent, drive and dreams they bid,
Just like us when we were kids.
Hey, don’t count them out —
The Yankees just clout
Toronto’s first-place Blue Jays.
It’s the first time this season
They swept the opposition,
And next up, it’s the Devil Rays.
Yeah, there’s not much time left —
And it’s a hard nut to crack —
But reality’s something you check
Outside the stadium gate.
Wilson Ramos
Has become famos
As catcher for the Nats–
Must be the way that he squats.
Francisco Lindor
Likes to golf indoors.
As dangerous as his home gets,
His kids have learned to wear helmets.
Michael Saunders
When his mind meanders
Imagines himself in toque, cape and shorts
Savior of the Great White North.
Matt Wieters
Is such a fussy eater
On every dinner date
He asks an ump to brush his plate.
On this beautiful summer day in June
The Royals rise and the White Sox swoon
The Astros still dream of their trip to the moon
The Red Sox hope they aren’t peaking too soon
While the Yanks obsess over things picayune
The Rangers and Jays field their share of goons
Tampa ponders a move to Saskatoon. . .
And Epstein’s still the smartest guy in the room.