Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
ANGELS
Rich Latino woos
White fans who usually hire
Latino workmen.
ATHLETICS
Moneyball’s sunset
Means the lineup now includes
Kevin Kouzmanoff.
MARINERS
Hey, Jack Z….that nut
That fell off the hitting tree?
He’s your problem now.
RANGERS
Sweet spring robins’ song
May sound suspiciously like
“Neftali Feliz.”
.
Posted 4/20/2010
By Stuart Shea
ANGELS
Without its K-Rod,
Sun-dappled Orange County
Prepares for a fight.
ATHLETICS
Green-and-gold adorned
Athletes play in stadia
Named for software.
RANGERS
In football country,
The titans of summer’s game
Proceed unnoticed.
MARINERS
Tho Junior returns,
Creaky knees and failing sight,
The M’s will blow chunks.
.
Posted 4/3/09
By Stuart Shea
Real Brewers don’t go out of business so fast.
Real White Sox don’t unravel in hours.
And actual Angels don’t fall from the stars
And land on their butts.
And real Cubs don’t slink out with their tails between their legs
Like a pack of whipped mutts.
Posted 10/16/08
By Stuart Shea
Standing tall and smiling, a friendly Angel with no halo,
Vladimir Guerrero.
It’s hard to believe he once was an Expo.
It hurts just to watch him run,
Gobbling turf with gigantic strides,
Hobbling on rusty knees.
Still lets baseballs loose like cannon fire,
Nailing some runners and
Scattering buckshot into the stands.
Tattoos pitches wherever they’re thrown,
High in the zone or at his ankles,
Just like Clemente.
And I’ll tell you what rankles—we’re ignoring him.
We’re watching a great player RIGHT NOW.
See that line-drive triple? How he legged it out, limping like a war vet,
Sliding in, a big grin,
Clapping his hands?
For God’s sake, people, stand up for the man!!
Posted 4/30/08
BALTIMORE
Is it too late to call Cal?
Or even Bob Bonner?
With Hernandez or Fahey, the season’s a goner.
BOSTON
The pitching staff is shot to hell.
With Schilling, Beckett, and Colon unwell,
They’re Dice-rolling at the opening bell.
CHICAGO
Will the Sox get greedy
With Crede?
Watch your back, Ozzie—or, rather, watch Joe’s.
CLEVELAND
It’s time for the talent to show.
And with any luck (please, God)…
Maybe a new logo?
DETROIT
No injury worries—not even a tinge!
When any Tiger feels a twinge,
They’ll call on Brandon Inge.
KANSAS CITY
Tote that Bale, lift that Gload,
Another long year in KC?
Or a renaissance? These kids are beginning to be.
LOS ANGELES
K-Rod,
And Vlad the Impaler,
And a bunch of young pitchers hopping out of a trailer.
MINNESOTA
No cash for Johan or Torii,
But there’s money for Nathan—within reason—
Though he pitches just 70 innings a season.
NEW YORK STATE OF MIND
The Yankees won’t listen to reason!!
They’ll pull out their Wang
To open the season!!
OAKLAND
What’s that sound from the Street?
Is it Foulke music so sweet?
Oh, it’s Rich Harden’s shoulder, grinding like meat.
SEATTLE
Half the team has reached the big three-oh,
And aside from Ichiro,
There’s a lot of “don’t know.”
TAMPA BAY
They sent Longoria to Triple-A
To reduce his service time? Feh!
This franchise is still the pride of Mephistofele.
TEXAS
Trouble children, like Bradley and Hamilton,
And a pitching staff
Of no wheat and all chaff.
TORONTO
Toronto has Coats.
Maybe they’ll avoid
A cold April.
Posted 3/31/08