Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
New Era brought a new line of caps
To fans with cash to burn (p’rhaps)
Not testing in beta,
Texas became Tetas
And caught the derision of bilingual chaps.
“Tetas Hat Pulled After Backlash.”
To see poems about EVERY hat in the collection, check out Davy Andrews’ work at FanGraphs!
Kirby Yates
Would follow a website that rates
The performances of Kate Winslet
Based on her accent.
Ketel Marte
Would eat banana cream parfaits
At every meal, but doesn’t because
His contract has a weight-gain clause.
Steven Kwan
Will drone on and on
About investing in Bitcoin
Because he’s got the acumen of a pork loin.
Trea Turner
Is a slow learner
3 times invested with Steven Kwan!
Man, that money’s gone gone gone…
Each June, ball teams celebrate
Their fanbase’s diversity
It’s just marketing, sure,
But also visibility
All teams, that is, save the Rangers
Who’ve never held a Pride night
Dallas likes to keep things orderly,
Straight and oh-so white
I once thought things were big in Texas
That cliche’s an inanity
Big hats, big boots, big tits and hair
But a puny view of humanity.
New York NY, 2019 via MLB.com
Houston Astros
Crass-tros, Disas-stros,
Even Garbage-can-smash-stros—
They’re still really good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Orange County, California
It’s always Disney,
To us, anyway…but now,
No longer Showtime.
Oakland Athletics
Neither here nor there—
Big change only bothers those
Who are not in charge.
Seattle Mariners
Young, strong arms, spring’s joy.
Will Gilbert, Kirby, Miller
Get a “Woo Woo Woo”?
Texas Rangers
Now that we all know
About your autumn harvest,
You’d better watch yourself!
Lost more than he won
But Bruce won when it mattered
Managed October