Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
With apologies to Ogden Nash’s “The Rhinoceros”
The rhino is a homely beast.
Our Ryno was a home run beast.
For human eyes he’s not a feast.
For Cubbie fans he was a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros.
Hello, hello, you stalwart Ryne Sandberg-us.
I’ll stare at something less prepoceros.
I’ll admire your likeness as a bronze iceberg-us.
Welcome to the HOF pantheon outside of Wrigley.
Along with Ernie, Billy, Ronnie, Harry, and Fergie.
Originally published in The Chicago Baseball Magazine.
Originally published in The Chicago Baseball Magazine.
A 29-year-old rook
Claimed off waiver’s wire
Has been tearing up pitchers
Setting Wrigley afire.
With the old-time name Frank
That sounds under-powered
He’s been putting up numbers
Like Franks Robinson and Howard.
Be it a game-winning slam
That set fans a-tingle
Or a headfirst slide into first
With a bizarre walk-off single.
He’s a real life Crash Davis
The longshot who paid
Taking out some of the sting
From Hoyer’s heartbreaking trades.
And though this year’s Cubs team
Will not win a ring
You can count on Schwindel
And his mighty sweet schwing!