by James Finn Garner
Chicago is known for its class
So give that girl in the bleachers a pass
You might’ve thought the cap rubbed her ass
But she’s the new Cubs mascot “Bum Lass”.
“Stop Your Cubbing”
by Alan P. Rudy
(or A Ballad of Faux-Bravado)
With Apologies to Ray Davies, and to Chrissy Hinde
It is time for you to stop all of your Cubbing
Yes, it’s time for you to stop all of your Cubbing, oh oh oh
There’s one thing you gotta do
To make wins still come true
Gotta stop Cubbing now
Yeah, yeah, stop it, stop it
It is time for Carpenter, instead of Castro,
Yes, it’s time for Molina, and not Castillo, oh oh oh
There’s one thing you gotta do
To make wins still come true
Gotta stop Cubbing now
Yeah, yeah, stop it, stop it
Each tear that falls because of Jackson,
Ross, Lake, or Strop
And leftovers like Phil Coke…
It’s ‘cuz your Cubbing!
It is time for Lynn and Wacha, instead of Lester
Yes, it’s time for even Kozma, not Herrera, oh oh oh
There’s one thing you gotta do
To make wins still come true
Gotta stop Cubbing now
Yeah, yeah, stop it, stop it
There’s one thing you gotta do,
Trade us Bryant, and Soler, too
And there’s one thing you gotta know
We’re nervous, don’t you know
Gotta love the Cards
Yeah, yeah, start it, start it
The Cubs Are Full of Bullpen
By Stuart Shea
Things don’t go better with Coke,
And Jackson will constantly choke.
Rosscup’s got a leak,
Schlitter’s a freak,
And James Russell’s sort of a joke.
National League Central 2015 Spring Training Haiku
By Stuart Shea
Cubs
A Sure Thing is not
called “A Sure Thing” unless it
hasn’t happened yet
Reds
Jason Marquis back?
Surely this is a sign that
the world is ending.
Brewers
For one final spring,
Aramis Ramirez tries
to avoid diving
Pirates
Could Clint Hurdle
be the Bucs’ final hurdle
to winning a title?
Cardinals
Some with a fresh start
Will soar higher than they could
Down in the southland
Regular Season Post-Mortem, or a Toast to Stories Departed
By Stuart Shea
10 Teams Continue,
20 Teams Done.
Stories we have followed
Now consigned to history–
Into the pages of a book
That has been replaced by a web site.
Jose Abreu’s rookie season is over.
Corey Kluber’s ass-kicking year is over.
Phillip Hughes’ breakout is over.
Charlie Blackmon’s beard is over.
Kirk Gibson is VERY over.
But the damage done by Kevin Towers’ trades is just beginning.
Altuve’s wonderful year is over.
The Rangers’ long march of injuries is over…
But the Wash Era is also over.
Everth Cabrera’s honeymoon is over.
Marcus Stroman’s debut is over.
The painful Jay Bruce year is over.
Brock Holt Mania! is over.
Another King Felix masterwork is over.
Giancarlo’s monster season is over.
Jonathan Lucroy’s emergence is over.
The Braves’ painful swan dive is over.
Mesoraco’s breakout is over.
The struggles of Springer are over.
The weird Joe Mauer year is over.
Justin Smoak’s chance is over.
Another frustrating Rockies season is over.
The Chase Headley Padres are over.
The Papelbon crap is over,
But the Phillies’ country club continues.
The Frank Wren Era is over.
Colby Rasmus in Toronto is REALLY over.
Desmond Jennings’ honeymoon is over.
Heath Bell seems over.
The Cubs on WGN are over.
Bobby Abreu is over.
Josh Willingham is over.
Carlos Beltran sure looks over.
Can Kevin Gregg please be over?
Jason Giambi is finally over, right?
The 2013 World Champs are really over.
Is Ron Roenicke’s time over?
The Mets’ sexual harassment suit is NOT over.
Wrigley Field as we knew it is over.
Paul Konerko is over.
Derek Jeter is over.
20 Teams are over.