Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
by James Finn Garner
The White Sox and the Cubbies
Determined to have a battle.
Then Ozzie said that Wrigley Field
Wasn’t fit for cattle.
“It makes me puke,” he told the press,
Though he meant no disrespect.
His mouth is like a leaky faucet,
So what could you expect?
The Chicago skippers aren’t like the twins
From Lewis Carroll’s book of yore.
Ozzie yips like a hyper spaniel
While Lou just shrugs and snores.
Posted 6/16/2009
By James Finn Garner
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Now that cameras can detect and correct
Our errors and human frailty,
I call for a replay of
Fidrych talking to the ball,
Reggie hitting in October,
Bob Gibson staring,
Koufax stretching,
Veeck laughing,
DiMaggio’s war years,
And Hank Greenberg’s,
And 1994, which could have saved the Expos,
And spared us the Nationals,
And Cap Anson shutting his damned mouth
And Buck O’Neil playing for the Cubs,
Satchel Paige for the A’s,
And Cool Papa Bell for the Cardinals.
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Posted 5/14/09
by Larry Epke
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White Sox Spring Poser:
Will acquiring Wilson bring about
The Betemit of the team?
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Posted 4/16/09
By Stuart Shea
Real Brewers don’t go out of business so fast.
Real White Sox don’t unravel in hours.
And actual Angels don’t fall from the stars
And land on their butts.
And real Cubs don’t slink out with their tails between their legs
Like a pack of whipped mutts.
Posted 10/16/08
Some say we face the End Times,
With ice caps disappearing,
Financial pains and hurricanes,
And war with Russia nearing.
But th’ hills of Armageddon
Will look like fields of clover
If the Pale Hose and Cubs oppose
Each other in October.
We’ll see blue-faced yuppies pounce
On shirtless mokes with mullets,
The Bridgeport night with bombs alight,
and Bernie’s strafed with bullets.
The hordes of Satan’s army
And counterparts from Heaven
Will find that they’ve not much to save
If the Series goes to seven.
Posted 10/1/08