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Cashman Oh Cashman

by Doug K

Sung to the tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”

Cashman, oh Cashman
We know Hal is rich…
Find us at last,
Someone to pitch.

Game after game
In late innings it’s blown.
So find us a clo-ser,
… of our own.

For AA…
Make him like Sparky!
For Hoss,
Wetteland’s fastball would be nice.
For me, well, I wouldn’t holler …
A Rivera-like cutter so they swing thrice!

Cashman, oh Cashman
Please go through your book
Because it is time
To give Holmes the hook.

Night after night
We cough up the lead
While you dumpster dive
… out of greed.

CASHMAN:
Fellas, I’ve found him!
Have I got a guy for you
He had thirty saves…
In 1992.
Still, he’s got good stuff. Good stuff.
So nu? He’s due.

His peripherals are amazing
All ground outs. No loft!
We’ll use him once and then…
His arm falls off.

CASHMAN:
Fellas, you’ll love this…
This closer’s been here before.
He sweats like a pig
But he throws 104.

They go straight as an arrow.
His pitches come in true.
They hit them just as fast…
So we’ll turn two!

CASHMAN:
This next one has a temper.
A clubhouse chair he’ll fight…
But only when he’s sober
So we’re alright…

Cashman, oh Cashman
You suck at your job.
Your salary, and our souls you rob.
Do us a favor and quit the team soon…

You can’t make a trade.
Can’t sign a guy.
Can’t draft at all.
Can’t win a ring!

…and take with you Aaron Boone.

This appeared first in the indispensable Yankee blog, It  Is High, It Is Far, It Is ….caught.

 

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Richard “Dickie” Kerr

by Michael Ceraolo

Because of my small size,
it took several years of minor-league excellence
for me to finally make the majors,
but when I did I had success,
including those two World Series wins
you’ve read about or seen on-screen
(though I was actually left-handed, not right-)
Having leverage with the Black Sox suspended,
I held out before the 1921 season,
and Comiskey and Grabiner had little choice
but to pay me the higher salary,
though they grumbled about being taken advantage of
When before the next season I asked for a multi-year contract,
Grabiner refused to even negotiate with me
(you always dealt with Grabiner,
never sure if he was following Comiskey’s orders
or taking the hardline on his own),
so I played for a Chicago semi-pro team
and was banned by Landis for almost four years;
when I was reinstated I didn’t last long
Years later I made a big contribution to baseball:
while managing in the minors
I helped a struggling young pitcher greatly improve,
though I didn’t think he would ever reach major-league caliber
I thought his hitting was major-league caliber,
so I played him in the outfield between starts
When he hurt his shoulder diving for a fly ball,
that effectively ended his career as a pitcher,
but Stan Musial proved my judgment about his hitting correct

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“Let’s Play Two!”

By Dr. Rajesh C. Oza

Ernie Banks wanted
To play a doubleheader
Every day, because

He loved baseball so
Much that one was not enough
To satisfy him.

Wilbur Wood lost two
Games of a doubleheader.
He started both games,

Throwing his trademark
Knuckleball ball to twenty-four
Wins, twenty losses.

Billy Williams and
Ron Santo played every game
In 1965.

Perhaps a couple
Players will play all the games
In 2024.

Ferguson Jenkins
Threw 29 complete games
In 1974.

MLB may not
Have 29 complete games
In 2024.

So why does baseball
Today give hitters days off
And pitchers pitch counts?

Is Pampers part of
How managers lead their teams?
Or a diaper brand?

Dr. Oza’s novel Double Play sits at the intersection of Ernie Banks’ Cubs, the Negro Leagues, riding the El, wrongful convictions, immigration and friendship. It will be published in October 2024 by Chicago’s Third World Press.

 

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Remodeling Sale

by James Finn Garner

Summer savings is everyone’s goal
Blowing saves over time can get old
A bullpen redo
Might pull your team through
How clever are you with your payroll?