Roger Clemens’ Emotional Distress

by James Finn Garner

Brian McNamee slimed my name,
Slandered my game,
Handed me shame.

I never did the things he said.
He hurt my cred.
**sniff**
Wish I were dead.

Can’t sleep at night, I have bad dreams,
Hear crazy screams,
‘Bout clears and creams.

Next time the two of us cross paths,
I’ll rip him in half
And gnaw on his lats.

Whatever’s left, I’ll chop in bits
And mail t’ his kids,
Mis’rable shits.

I’m warning you, judge, don’t forget:
I was a meek pet
Ere he and I met.

Posted June 3, 2008 

BITING

By Stuart Shea

Florida is on the map–the Marlins are hot!
You want a Cinderella story? This we’ve got!

A star in the making with an Uggly name,
A third baseman with a Can-tu approach,
A left fielder Willing-ham to work, and
A superstar shortstop beyond reproach.

VandenHurk didn’t work and
Taylor has Tankersleyed.
But Miller’s ground opponents up,
Kevin Gregg has been the top.
And there’s no bad hops–just Badenhop.

They cannot last, these wriggling Fish,
Swimming in deep water with Phils, Braves, and Mets,
But it’s fun while it lasts, yo,
To see the big boys controlled
By Olson, Treanor, and Nolasco,
And Luis Gonzalez, who is 90 years old.

Jorge Posada: A Poem of Love

by Hart Seely

The whole league fears our great armada,
Contenders in each year’s regatta.
But now it’s fear, we got a lotta,
Adrift without Jorge Posada.

We always reach that upper strata
And chase The Biggest Enchilada.
But now we’re hopeless: nothing, nada.
That’s life without Jorge Posada.

Great glory? We shall never win it,
If forced to send out Kelly Stinnett.
There is no chance with Sal Fasano,
If Jorge’s down, like Carl Pavano.

I’d rather use than Mike Piazza
Some cashier from a K Mart plaza,
Our only power would be solar,
If batting sixth we use Chad Moeller.

The fans won’t come to our arena
To watch us with Jose Molina.
Our chances shall be rank and smelly,
The day we sign Doug Mirabelli.

It brings great pain for me to say,
We’re even thin at Triple A.
And we will watch with great dismay,
Until we see our man… Jorge.

Posted 5/6/08

Hart Seely is the author of the hilarious Mother Goose Goes to Washington, as well as Oh Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, newly released in a 15th-anniversary edition. He often hangs around the Yankee website, It is High, It is Far, It is….caught, offering tasteful and constructive comments to management and players alike.

The Prime of Mr. Vladimir Guerrero

By Stuart Shea

Standing tall and smiling, a friendly Angel with no halo,
Vladimir Guerrero.
It’s hard to believe he once was an Expo.

It hurts just to watch him run,
Gobbling turf with gigantic strides,
Hobbling on rusty knees.

Still lets baseballs loose like cannon fire,
Nailing some runners and
Scattering buckshot into the stands.

Tattoos pitches wherever they’re thrown,
High in the zone or at his ankles,
Just like Clemente.
And I’ll tell you what rankles—we’re ignoring him.

We’re watching a great player RIGHT NOW.
See that line-drive triple? How he legged it out, limping like a war vet,
Sliding in, a big grin,
Clapping his hands?
For God’s sake, people, stand up for the man!!

Posted 4/30/08 

3 Detroit Tiger Haikus

by Gary Gillette

Detroit Tigers Haiku No. 1

Legless catchers spawn
Famously angry peaches.
Hay market/Hey, Michigan!

Detroit Tigers Haiku No. 2

Wahoo Sam divides
Matty Mac from Cobb the Peach.
The loon shrieks “Ee-yah.”

Detroit Tigers Haiku No. 3

Hank’s Hebrew hammer
Batters crystal hatred…knocked
To green fields beyond.

Posted 4/25/08