John Henry

by Michael Ceraolo

I’m not the billionaire owner
I was a catcher in the 1910s
I wasn’t much of a hitter,
though I was a pretty good defensive catcher;
the Big Train liked to have me catch him,
so that should tell you something
But being a backup backstop
wasn’t the most secure employment,
so I eagerly joined the Fraternity
when Dave Fultz formed it,
and I was active in the union,
serving as Washington’s player representative
The Lords weren’t having unionism,
even, and maybe especially, those
who had been active in earlier baseball unions
but were now in positions of power
And I was run out of the league,
and then run out of the majors a year later,
the eternal fate of the non-star
who dares to stand up for his and others’ rights

 

Holo Cow!

By James Finn Garner

Sung to the tune of “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band

Stumblin’ down on Rush Street, walkin’ pub to pub
Harry Caray was the idol of every Bleacher Bum
Started in St. Louis, but seduced the owner’s wife
Then Chisox, then the Cubbies — a checkered, blesséd life

Then MLB tries some tricks
During the “Field of Dreams”
And ghostly Harry resurrects
To gasps and chokes and screams….

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

He’s leading the seventh inning stretch, the weak of heart begin to retch
Beer gut missing around his middle, where’s the liver spots, sweat and spittle?
There’s no way to digitize a glorious mess like Harry
Please find some breathing pitchman and let the dead stay buried.

He’s been dead since ’98,
But you could never tell
Thanks, computer science,
But he never looked THIS well…

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

.     Cub Fan, Bud Man
.     This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.     Harry lives in a hologram
.     (Harry lives in a hologram)

Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na
Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na…

 

All-Star Clerihews #3: The Bad and the Beautiful

Byron Buxton
Through his awesome powers of deduction
Has determined the murderer of Lord McBroom
Is someone in this room!

Luis Arraez
Is not one to compromise.
If it’s not Johnnie Walker Black,
He sends it back.

Joe Musgrove
Is an ace with the cookstove.
He takes sausage and flapjacks
To the max.

Miguel Cabrera
Is the finest hitter of his era
And a real joy to watch play —
I have nothing snarky to say.

 

Royal Dumbasses

by James Finn Garner

What’s up with your team, Kansas City?
TEN players not vaxxed, what a pity!
Playing the Jays
Now needs scrubs and strays
The toll of ignorance isn’t pretty.