by Jim Siergey
Fantasy Baseball Nightmare
by James Finn Garner
Signing up for another hitch
To field a nine to hit and pitch
My squad last year just up and died
Reckless with my baseball pride
Where’s my Mantle off the farm?
My rotation always finds bum arms
And my whizbang keystone pair
Can muster neither clue nor prayer
. In my fog all the stats
. Become an acronym loop
. WHIP, FIP, GO/AO, BABIP–
. Wait, isn’t BABIP Korean soup?
Every morning, I link in,
Despite my trades, always sinking.
Why should I let it get me down?
Someone’s gotta be the Browns.
MLB All-St. Patrick’s Day Team
1B Hank Greenberg
2B Grant Green
SS Pumpsie Green
3B Andy Green
LF Mike Greenwell
CF Lenny Green
RF Danny Green
C Charlie Greene
LHP Chris Green
RHP Clarence Beers, Jameson Taillon, Suds Sutherland
MGR Dallas Green
Show Us Your…
by James Finn Garner
New Era brought a new line of caps
To fans with cash to burn (p’rhaps)
Not testing in beta,
Texas became Tetas
And caught the derision of bilingual chaps.
“Tetas Hat Pulled After Backlash.”
To see poems about EVERY hat in the collection, check out Davy Andrews’ work at FanGraphs!
Ash Wednesday
By James Finn Garner
If you want to bash,
The bat you need is ash.
Any sentient ape’ll
Tell you to reject maple.
Waving around some hickory
Is no way to victory.
Maybe at a minimum,
Settle for aluminum.
But if you want a healthy slash
Line, I again opine: ASH!
