Armageddon Somethin’ Goin’ On
by James Finn Garner
Some say we face the End Times,
With ice caps disappearing,
Financial pains and hurricanes,
And war with Russia nearing.
But th’ hills of Armageddon
Will look like fields of clover
If the Pale Hose and Cubs oppose
Each other in October.
We’ll see blue-faced yuppies pounce
On shirtless mokes with mullets,
The Bridgeport night with bombs alight,
and Bernie’s strafed with bullets.
The hordes of Satan’s army
And counterparts from Heaven
Will find that they’ve not much to save
If the Series goes to seven.
Posted 10/1/08
New York Bailout
By Stuart Shea
No Yankees! No Mets!
Send the networks your regrets!
There’ll be no ratings spike this time
From East Coast fans who fuss and whine.
Well, other teams play baseball, too.
The Angels, Dodgers, Cubs, and Crew.
The Phils and Red Sox made the dance
And Tampa’s got their first big chance.
Despite their highly-sal’ried men,
The Mets and Yankees choked again.
Now New York screams and moans and wails,
“Come fix us! We’re too big to fail!”
We’re waiting for some congressman
To moot a bill for Apple fans,
New fed’ral funds will soon begin
To cinch that New York always wins.
Posted 9/30/08.
Land of 10,000 Chokes
by James Finn Garner
Defeating the Twins isn’t easy
In that convention hall they call a dome,
But who could foresee the series would be
Like the Vandals’ destruction of Rome?
The White Sox wasted the season.
The grinders’ swings turned to hacks.
So thoroughly owned were the Sox, they’re showin’
Herm Schneider rug burns on their backs.
Now the players can mutter and grumble
While the Cubbies are showered with cheers.
A Subway Series? Not this time, dearies.
Check back in another 100 years.
Posted 9/26/08
