by James Finn Garner
“Make Canada the 51st state!”
Brays a thief-liar-rapist in hate.
Compassionate, fair,
Straight-up, self-aware–
Canucks are all things he ain’t.
With my bear buddy, Buddy Brown Bear, at a Vancouver Canadians game, June 2023.
Life is Good
by James Finn Garner
Winter’s been raw as a campout in Banff,
Your new basement walls are moldy and damp,
Your curtains caught fire from a knocked-over lamp —
. Relax!
. Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Your check-writing hand’s developed a cramp,
Your bills are all due and you ain’t got a stamp,
Creditors cling to your neck like a clamp —
. Smile!
. Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Your yard is now split by a new freeway ramp,
Your son is engaged to a gold-digging tramp,
Your “guitar hero” neighbor’s just bought a new amp —
. Life is good!
. Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
MLB All-Valentines-Day Team
1B Pete Roses
2B Cupid Childs
SS Jake Flowers
3B Candy Jim Taylor
LF Barry Bon-Bonds
CF Candy Maldonado
RF Eros “Country” Slaughter
C Gabby Heartnett
LHP Slim Love, Vance Lovelace, Richard Lovelady
RHP Ben Flowers, Bill Monbouquette, Vicente Amor
MGR Bobby Valentine
A Double-Header Loss
by Jim Siergey, Greg Simetz and James Finn Garner
RIP to Bob Uecker and David Lynch
MLB All-Rudolph-The-Red-Nosed-Reindeer Team
1B Steve Christmas
2B Cupid Childs
SS Dancerby Swanson
3B Minnie “the Cuban Comet” Miñoso
LF Tim Raines-deer
CF Rudolph Ash
RF Foghorn Bradley
C Ken Rudolph
DH Donner Baylor
LHP Lee Dashner, Al Clauss
RHP Josh Fogg, Joe “Blitzen” Benz, Bill Slayback
MGR Santa Alomar
Comet illustrated by John Hartwell.
When looking for an image to accompany this team, I found that Baseball Reference had created a lineup and player trading cards for all of Santa’s team. Check out this fun idea from 2014.
And have a merry Christmas, Bardballers!