by James Finn Garner
T’other night, the M’s honored King Felix
And proceeded (coded in their double helix?)
To spot Kirby no runs.
Seattle’s daughters and sons
Still enjoy their salmon, coffee and analgesics.
Midsummer Stock
by James Finn Garner
The theatrical Yankees skip Boone
Had an act that made the crowds swoon:
Scratch a line in the sand,
Make an “Outta here!” stance,
And the rags say he’s the new Tommy Tune!
Fighting Like Only the White Sox Can
by James Finn Garner
Poor Timmy! Zonked by a double whammy
When he chose to throw hands with Joe Rami.
First Jose’s right hook
Left him cold as a chinook
And on the way down he twisted both hammies!
(Not really, but admit it, Sox fans — you still felt compelled to double-check.)
MLB All-Heinie Team
1B Heinie Mueller
2B Heinie Zimmerman
SS Heinie Heltzel
3B Heinie Groh
LF Heinie Manush
CF Paul Hines
RF Hunkey Hines
C Heinie Peitz
LHP Colt Hynes
RHP Heinie Meine
MGR Heinie Wagner
July Sale Days
by James Finn Garner
It’s July Sale Days with the New York Mets!
Come on down — it’s as good as it gets!
Robertson, closer (we call him Dave),
So many games for you he’ll save!
Look under the hood of our starter Max,
Good despite mileage, and that’s a fact!
Everybody wants a Tommy Pham!
(Sorry, Chisox, no warranty on hams)
Verlander’s on his second career–
Try for a third? You’ll find him here!
Crazy Billy Eppler’s ready to trade!
Start planning your World Series Parade!
