Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
1BÂ Â Candy LaChance
2BÂ Â Pumpkinsie Green
SSÂ Â Sandy Malomar
3BÂ Â Chris Spooker
LFÂ Â Mummy Ramirez
CFÂ Â Trik Speaker
RFÂ Â Vlampire Guerrero
CÂ Â Â Earl Battey
LHPÂ Â Randy Wolfman, Baby Ruth
RHPÂ Â Trevor BOOOOer, Black Catfish Hunter, Ricky Bones
MGRÂ Â Treat Speaker
As savvy statheads will avow,
To one certainty we all must bow:
No team can pocket World Series bank
With 3 or more ex-Cubs in its ranks.
It’s analytics, not cant or mystery,
Proven throughout baseball history.
The prudent Dodgers, reviewing facts,
In August Jason Heyward axed.
Making a close Series even tighter,
The Yankees will field Mark Leiter,
Rizzo, Stroman and LeMahieu–
A daring display of bad juju.
With four ex-Cubbies on their squad,
Gotham thumbs its nose at the baseball gods.
Such hubris likely will not stand.
The crown will return to La-La Land.
For more on this baseball rule, which has proven correct in 1979 and 1981, check out this article by the writer who coined the phrase, Ron Berler.
When Karloff stepped up to the plate
The fear in the grandstand was great
His features alone
Turned Keaton to stone
As spectators grabbed torches and rakes.
Boris Karloff and catcher Buster Keaton have fun at a Hollywood charity game in 1940.
You’ve folded, wild cards
Go lay down, underdogs
We now have the battle of monoliths
Monitor vs. Merrimack
Hulk vs. Red Hulk
Kong vs. Godzilla, Part XXVI
The broadcast execs are happy
Numbers save their bacon
Talking heads can finally stop
Pretending they like visiting Milwaukee
They now can cover
The only coasts that matter
The long (ha!) drought is over
For NY and LA
And the rest of us can tune in
To the NBA
1BÂ Â Vlad “Son of the Impaler” Guerrero, Jr.
2BÂ Â Charles Zomphier
SSÂ Â Justin “Franken” Stein
3BÂ Â Dave “King Kong” Kingman
LFÂ Â Jerry Mummy-phrey
CFÂ Â Coco Cryptkeeper
RFÂ Â Vlad “The Impaler” Guerrero
CÂ Â Baba-Duke Sims
PHÂ Â Nick Goulish
LHPÂ Â Freddie-Rick Kreuger, Mike “Michael” Myers
RHPÂ Â Full Moon Odom, Slick Castleman, Brad Pennywise
MGRÂ Â Chicken Wolfman
Illustration by Joltin’ Jim Seirgey