Ex-Cubs Doom Yankees

by James Finn Garner

As savvy statheads will avow,
To one certainty we all must bow:
No team can pocket World Series bank
With 3 or more ex-Cubs in its ranks.

It’s analytics, not cant or mystery,
Proven throughout baseball history.
The prudent Dodgers, reviewing facts,
In August Jason Heyward axed.

Making a close Series even tighter,
The Yankees will field Mark Leiter,
Rizzo, Stroman and LeMahieu–
A daring display of bad juju.

With four ex-Cubbies on their squad,
Gotham thumbs its nose at the baseball gods.
Such hubris likely will not stand.
The crown will return to La-La Land.

For more on this baseball rule, which has proven correct in 1979 and 1981, check out this article by the writer who coined the phrase, Ron Berler.

Undead Ball Era

When Karloff stepped up to the plate
The fear in the grandstand was great
His features alone
Turned Keaton to stone
As spectators grabbed torches and rakes.

Boris Karloff and catcher Buster Keaton have fun at a Hollywood charity game in 1940.

Nothing Succeeds Like Succes$

by James Finn Garner

You’ve folded, wild cards
Go lay down, underdogs

We now have the battle of monoliths
Monitor vs. Merrimack
Hulk vs. Red Hulk
Kong vs. Godzilla, Part XXVI

The broadcast execs are happy
Numbers save their bacon
Talking heads can finally stop
Pretending they like visiting Milwaukee
They now can cover
The only coasts that matter

The long (ha!) drought is over
For NY and LA
And the rest of us can tune in
To the NBA

MLB All-Monster-Movie Team

1B   Vlad “Son of the Impaler” Guerrero, Jr.
2B   Charles Zomphier
SS   Justin “Franken” Stein
3B   Dave “King Kong” Kingman

LF   Jerry Mummy-phrey
CF   Coco Cryptkeeper
RF   Vlad “The Impaler” Guerrero

C   Baba-Duke Sims

PH   Nick Goulish

LHP   Freddie-Rick Kreuger, Mike “Michael” Myers
RHP   Full Moon Odom, Slick Castleman, Brad Pennywise

MGR   Chicken Wolfman

Illustration by Joltin’ Jim Seirgey