Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
“Can’t anyone here play this game?”
Casey asked his forces
Then saw that his team, the Mets
Had become the Metsamorphosis
Six legs are certainly faster
Than the measly two
Six hands perform much better
In keeping balls from getting through
But gripping bats and swinging
Proved to be quite hairy
As no bug could hit no better
Than big ol’ Marv Throneberry.
1B Chick “Gangsta” Gandil
2B Two-Tony Phillips
SS Jazz Chisholm, Jr.
3B Herb Souell
LF John Krunk
CF Liz Funk
RF Bomba Rivera
C Bert Blue
LHP T.J. House, Hip-Hoppo Vaughn
RHP Frank Funk, Kyle Funkhouser, Urban Shocker, Burleigh Grimes, Pedro Beato
MGR Rap Dixon
Originally published in The Chicago Baseball Magazine.
• Don’t talk to a pitcher who’s throwing a no-hitter or perfect game.
• Never slap the ball out of a fielder’s glove or distract him from catching a pop-up.
• Don’t swing at the first pitch if the last two hitters hit home runs.
• Never try to break up a no-hitter by releasing feral pigs onto the field.
• After a home run, a batter should not flip, burn, bury, lick or sing a love song to his bat.
• After making an out to end an inning, the batter should not run over the pitcher’s Mounds bar.
• After hitting a home run, a batter should not drop trou and shit on the pitcher’s mound. The mound is considered the pitcher’s exclusive “territory,” and only he is allowed to shit there.
• A pitcher should not throw at a batter’s children.
• On a 3-0 pitch, a batter should not break out his iPhone to check texts or post on Instagram.
• Infielders should not write love letters in the dirt.
• A catcher should not rip a piece of fabric when a batter swings to make him think he has split his pants.
• When a pitcher has a no-hitter going, everyone in the dugout should use exaggerated mime actions (e.g., pulling an invisible rope) to communicate.
• Whether pets or no, hybrid wolves are not allowed in the bullpen.
• Outfielders are not allowed to use dune buggies to field their positions.
• Batters are not allowed to bunt if they make more than $13 million that season.
• Extension grabbers hidden in outfielders’ gloves are strictly taboo.
• “Cumbly mumbly jumbly fumbly / Gimby gumby foo foo!” (sic)
• First basemen should not discuss existentialism with baserunners.
• Catchers are not allowed to give fake haircuts to batters.
• If a rhinoceros enters the field, play is suspended until the head umpire finishes reading aloud from Ionesco.
Reprinted from the nation’s best humor magazine, The American Bystander, issue #25.
