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Owed to the Ballhawks

by James Finn Garner

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Here’s to the ballhawks, that steadfast elite
Who feel that they’re owed for buying a seat,
Who’ll knock over kids to nab a home run
And hold the ball ransom til somebody comes
Through with free tickets, signed jerseys and swag
To reward them for making their glorious snag.

“A rookie’s first homer?” says a ballhawk with glee.
“Why should I give him the ball back for free?”

These guys deserve something for their tireless work
As parasites, blowhards and self-obsessed jerks.
When their daughters get married, let’s crash the affair,
Charge tolls for the toilets, rent them each chair,
And push over bridesmaids when the bouquet is tossed,
Then take bids to find which girl wants it most.

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Published 8/31/2009

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Yorman’s Back!

By Stuart Shea

They couldn’t keep him down!
He’s back for another round.
The guy with the funny name
Has another chance at fame.

Make sure to fill out a brand new dance card-o!
Last night saw the return of Yorman Bazardo!

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Game Update!  by James Finn Garner

In his debut with the Astros — “Howdy there, Pard-o!” —
Yorman left the Fish battered and scarred-o
(Though with 10 hits, they might have starred-o).
Our young stud of his dignity keeps a shard-o.
When the ‘Stros play the Phils next, wherever the yard-o,
Yorman will hoist those Phools on their own petard-o!

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Posted 8/20/2009

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Pirate S#&@

by Stu Shea

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Freddie and Jack play for Pittsburgh,
Losers for many a year,
It’s not hard to see
That this century
Local fans want a winner to cheer.

The Pirate ship’s listing and lurching,
Taking on water and flies.
Nobody’s good
And it’s understood
That “untouchable” doesn’t apply.

Freddie and Jack want new contracts.
Fred can’t play second at all.
Jack cannot hit,
And the team’s for s#&@,
These guys ain’t en route to The Hall.

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Posted 8/18/2009

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Ten Little Indians (And Counting)

by James Finn Garner
Ten little Indians–
Contenders every time!
One gets dealt for spending cash,
Now there’s only nine.

Nine little Indians
Playing by the lake.
One’s worth five Dominican catchers.
Now there’s only eight.

Eight little Indians
Hoping they can score.
Half are waived without a claim.
Now there’s only four.

Four little Indians.
At least they have Cliff Lee.
Ooops! Lee’s been swapped to Philly.
Now there’s only three.

Three little Indians
(Not counting Chief Wahoo).
“This is a rebuilding year.”
Now there’s only two.

Two little Indians.
How can they score a run?
One quits to become a fully trained self-employed professional health care technician.
Now there’s only one.

One little Indian.
What an awful pity
If he had to pack his bags
For Oklahoma City.

 Published 8/13/09

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Pale Hose Peavy

by James Finn Garner

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Ken Williams wasn’t skeevy
About getting Jake Peavy.

Though he’s got a bum ankle
And his record should rankle,

He’ll spare us the terrors
Of Jose Contreras.

Published 8/11/09