By Stuart Shea
Prince Fielder,
Prince Fielder,
I think that you’re cool.
If you did a jackknife,
You’d empty the pool.
Published 7/8/09
We Know the Score
By Stuart Shea
I beg of you,
Please don’t say that in his last nine at-bats he’s hitting .222.
Please don’t mention a two-game win streak,
Or how many homers he hit in one week
Or other meaningless stats
Like his career record in four games against the Rays,
Or his ERA on Wednesdays.
Even those of us without degrees in statistics
Can tell when “conclusions” are not realistic.
Between announcers making mountains of data molehills
And old-time players saying on-base percentage isn’t very important
Because walks clog the bases
Or being patient is wimpy
And waiting for walks erodes a hitter’s skills,
It’s enough to make you want to SCREAM
And grab the remote
And turn off Jamie Campbell, Thom Brennaman, or Rory Markas
And ponder the end of the world in darkness.
.
Posted 6/30/2009
Where Did You Go, Geovany Soto?
by James Finn Garner
What became of your mojo,
Geovany Soto?
This season’s a no-go
With your average so low.
The last campaign–Bravo!–
The Cubs had a tyro.
Now you’re as cold
As an outhouse in Oslo.
It’s like waiting for Springsteen
and then watching Toto
Or dreaming of the majors
And just playing roto.
So listen up, Geo,
And don’t be a bozo.
The Cubs need a vaquero
Like old Marco Polo.
Stop being just so-so
Or you’ll get the heave-ho
Like a pitiful hobo
From a Cicero peepshow.
.
Posted 6/23/2009
Truth Endures
By Stuart Shea
Seasons come and go.
Shadows cross the land.
But in the passing parade of humanity,
One thing will always go as planned:
Adam Dunn will miss the cutoff man.
.
Posted 6/22/2009
Crosstown Classic: Ozzie and Lou
by James Finn Garner
The White Sox and the Cubbies
Determined to have a battle.
Then Ozzie said that Wrigley Field
Wasn’t fit for cattle.
“It makes me puke,” he told the press,
Though he meant no disrespect.
His mouth is like a leaky faucet,
So what could you expect?
The Chicago skippers aren’t like the twins
From Lewis Carroll’s book of yore.
Ozzie yips like a hyper spaniel
While Lou just shrugs and snores.
Posted 6/16/2009