Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
Is it worse when an umpire blows a call
Or when a player–in righteous anger–makes a mockery of it all?
It’s hard to support bad umpiring work
But who wants to watch some player act like a jerk?
Why don’t we even it out.
Let’s increase fan applause-o.
Let’s make umpiring-baiting legal
And let plate umpires call batters out like Enrico Palazzo!
Published 7/20/09
By Stuart Shea
Prince Fielder,
Prince Fielder,
I think that you’re cool.
If you did a jackknife,
You’d empty the pool.
Published 7/8/09
By Stuart Shea
I beg of you,
Please don’t say that in his last nine at-bats he’s hitting .222.
Please don’t mention a two-game win streak,
Or how many homers he hit in one week
Or other meaningless stats
Like his career record in four games against the Rays,
Or his ERA on Wednesdays.
Even those of us without degrees in statistics
Can tell when “conclusions” are not realistic.
Between announcers making mountains of data molehills
And old-time players saying on-base percentage isn’t very important
Because walks clog the bases
Or being patient is wimpy
And waiting for walks erodes a hitter’s skills,
It’s enough to make you want to SCREAM
And grab the remote
And turn off Jamie Campbell, Thom Brennaman, or Rory Markas
And ponder the end of the world in darkness.
.
Posted 6/30/2009
by James Finn Garner
What became of your mojo,
Geovany Soto?
This season’s a no-go
With your average so low.
The last campaign–Bravo!–
The Cubs had a tyro.
Now you’re as cold
As an outhouse in Oslo.
It’s like waiting for Springsteen
and then watching Toto
Or dreaming of the majors
And just playing roto.
So listen up, Geo,
And don’t be a bozo.
The Cubs need a vaquero
Like old Marco Polo.
Stop being just so-so
Or you’ll get the heave-ho
Like a pitiful hobo
From a Cicero peepshow.
.
Posted 6/23/2009
By Stuart Shea
Seasons come and go.
Shadows cross the land.
But in the passing parade of humanity,
One thing will always go as planned:
Adam Dunn will miss the cutoff man.
.
Posted 6/22/2009