Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
By Stuart Shea
Maple bat, Maple bat
Shearing off in two-foot slats.
Spirals through the air, and splat–
Maple bat, Maple bat
Got that fan right in the lat,
Then on the bounce, took out a rat.
Maple bat, Maple bat
Nearly deadly as a gat,
Sharp enough to skin a cat.
Maple bat, Maple bat,
Time to wear a different hat.
Put these weapons in a vat.
.
Posted 5/13/09
by James Finn Garner
.
Erstwhile Dodger savior Manny:
Did we doubt it’d come out like this?
If a story leaked you were a tranny,
The world would maybe feel amiss.
Our revulsion might yet arise
If cameras caught you fondling grannies,
But frankly it’s no big surprise
That juicing’s Manny being Manny.
.
Posted 5/11/09
by James Finn Garner
.
Every kid thinks that he
Could mow down the heart of the Yankees order
If given the chance,
And someday everybody gets that chance,
And it’s good luck to talk to the ball,
And cheers are love that never dies,
And the world would love you if you showed them who you really are,
And magic can happen at any time.
That kid never dies.
That kid was the Bird.
.
In memory of Mark Fidrych (1954-2009)
Posted 4/15/09
By Stuart Shea
.
There will be no wrapup.
There will be no highlights.
There will be no lamplights or postgame beers;
After 39 years
The Phillies have laryngitis.
Does God give us life to spite us?
Or is it stupid to hold to our fear
Of eternal nothingness?
If even a voice like Harry’s can be silenced in the great hall of life and death,
Then what’s the use of taking another breath?
In memory of Harry Kalas (1936-2009)
.
Posted 4/14/09.
by James Finn Garner
For all the times you’ve prayed to me,
Beseeching for a victory–
“Let him strike out,” “We need this hit” –
And clogged my in-box with this stuff,
You choose to hold Opening Day—
Praise be to me—on Good Friday?
People, watch you don’t make me mad,
Or the Tiges will get what the Lions had.
.
Posted 4/9/09.