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Homeward Bound

Sung to the tune of the Simon & Garfunkel song

I’m sitting here at second base
Was patient with the Dodgers’ ace
Mmm-mmmm
At last I found a pitch to hit
Hope my teammates find some grit
Not asking for a new Mike Schmidt
Just one at-bat where they don’t quit

Homeward bound
I wish I was homeward bound

Home, oh my legs are twitching
Home, but the Dodgers’ pitching
Home, my Yanks bewitching
Staring at strike three…

Be it Soto, Chisholm, Aaron Judge,
Can someone come through in the clutch?
Mmm-mmmm
What a time to lose their steam
Can’t blame the fans for venting spleens
Does Boonie even have a scheme?
Feel like I’m in a Freudian dream

Homeward bound
I wish I was homeward bound.

Home, oh my legs are twitching
Home, but the Dodgers’ pitching
Home, my Yanks bewitching
Staring at strike three…

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MLB All-Halloween Team

1B   Candy LaChance
2B   Pumpkinsie Green
SS   Sandy Malomar
3B   Chris Spooker

LF   Mummy Ramirez
CF   Trik Speaker
RF   Vlampire Guerrero

C     Earl Battey

LHP   Randy Wolfman, Baby Ruth
RHP   Trevor BOOOOer, Black Catfish Hunter, Ricky Bones

MGR   Treat Speaker

 

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Ex-Cubs Doom Yankees

by James Finn Garner

As savvy statheads will avow,
To one certainty we all must bow:
No team can pocket World Series bank
With 3 or more ex-Cubs in its ranks.

It’s analytics, not cant or mystery,
Proven throughout baseball history.
The prudent Dodgers, reviewing facts,
In August Jason Heyward axed.

Making a close Series even tighter,
The Yankees will field Mark Leiter,
Rizzo, Stroman and LeMahieu–
A daring display of bad juju.

With four ex-Cubbies on their squad,
Gotham thumbs its nose at the baseball gods.
Such hubris likely will not stand.
The crown will return to La-La Land.

For more on this baseball rule, which has proven correct in 1979 and 1981, check out this article by the writer who coined the phrase, Ron Berler.

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Undead Ball Era

When Karloff stepped up to the plate
The fear in the grandstand was great
His features alone
Turned Keaton to stone
As spectators grabbed torches and rakes.

Boris Karloff and catcher Buster Keaton have fun at a Hollywood charity game in 1940.

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Nothing Succeeds Like Succes$

by James Finn Garner

You’ve folded, wild cards
Go lay down, underdogs

We now have the battle of monoliths
Monitor vs. Merrimack
Hulk vs. Red Hulk
Kong vs. Godzilla, Part XXVI

The broadcast execs are happy
Numbers save their bacon
Talking heads can finally stop
Pretending they like visiting Milwaukee
They now can cover
The only coasts that matter

The long (ha!) drought is over
For NY and LA
And the rest of us can tune in
To the NBA