by James Finn Garner
It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,
‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.
So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.
Posted 4/16/08.
Stadium Name Game
By James Finn Garner
What to name dear Wrigley Field
As history to commerce yields?
Should it be named for Ken-L Ration
To halt “dog days” for Cubbie Nation?
As ticket prices cull the rank
And file, maybe Citibank?
As young draft picks all go bust,
“Mr. Clean” might lift the dust.
Pepsi Cola? Dell Computers?
Honda Motors? Air-Wick? Hooters?
The problem’s not to name the place—
It’s how to win a pennant race.
We’ll know the team’s completely dotty
If Sweet Lou’s christened “Lou Malnati.”
Posted 4/14/08
Kosuke Fukudome in America, 2008
By Stuart Shea
The truth is now revealed
Though Guantanamo’s concealed.
We only welcome foreigners
If they can play right field.
Posted 4/9/08
Madonna’s Greatest Baseball Hits
By Stuart Shea
I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.
II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.
III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.
IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away
They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re
Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.
Posted 4/6/08
Scott Spiezio, Party Animal
by Stu Shea
Spiezio, O Spiezio,
Grungy hard-rock sleazy-o,
Your clean-and-sober act last year
Apparently a tease-e-o.
Driving drunk and skeezy-o?
Defending that‘s not easy-o.
The Cardinals chose to cut you
When their lawyers got all queasy-o.
You should have left the keys-e-o.
It could have been a breeze-e-o.
But justice may command that you
Be put inside the freezy-o.
Posted 4/4/08