By Stuart Shea
The truth is now revealed
Though Guantanamo’s concealed.
We only welcome foreigners
If they can play right field.
Posted 4/9/08
The Ball-Id Of Felix Pie
by Sid Yiddish
No more sliding into home plate
Or running to the walls just to catch foul balls, for Felix Pie.
He’s gotta be careful, as one testicular torsion, has caused a commotion among the locomotion of the league, makes him out as a patsy, a patsy for jest in Cubs blue-ball proportion, but it’s not like he’s been beaned or tagged out, it’s just that, well…
Being grabbed by the ball is no fun at all,
Even after the pain has subsided.
Posted 4/3/08
2008 NATIONAL LEAGUE THREE-LINE PREVIEWS
By Stuart Shea
ATLANTA
Clean Living,
A Fast Outfield,
And a Chipper Jones.
(With apologies to Vernon “Lefty” Gomez)
ARIZONA
Upton can play,
And he’ll need to, no doubt,
If Eric Byrnes out.
CHICAGO
Sweet Lou wants it understood,
That the newbies—Pie, Soto, and Fukudome—will be good
(Knock on Wood).
CINCINNATI
Votto, Bruce, and Bailey make the Redlegs’ future bright.
But with Dusty in the drivers’ seat,
The Kids Aren’t Alright.
COLORADO
While the defending champs get little respect
And their city’s baseball pedigree is suspect
The Rockies are deep—and better than you’d expect.
FLORIDA
A rotation thinner than loose-leaf paper
And one, maybe two, good hitters to savor?
This could get Uggly.
HOUSTON
They need a Pitching ComeBacke.
A NewBourn Attack…
And Hot Towles!
LOS ANGELES
Many pitchers with questions,
Position player congestion–
By now, one hopes Joe Torre has a remedy for indigestion.
MILWAUKEE
Hardy-Harted Men,
Princes with Braun and wise Counsell,
Just need clean Sheets.
NEW YORK
Health to go with wealth.
Johan and Pedro (not Feliciano)
And, apparently, an Angel in the outfield.
PHILADELPHIA
Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell, and Feliz
Will give the Phillies plenty of pow.
But can they hit more homers than their pitchers allow?
PITTSBURGH
Steve will Pearce the outfield soon,
With Nady gone by June,
And Jason up on eBay.
ST. LOUIS
Such teams with little hope need luck,
Albert,
And divine intervention.
SAN DIEGO
An outfield and infield of maybes
Could make Padres’ pitchers sick,
But Buddy Black don’t give a Fick.
SAN FRANCISCO
So the post-Bonds era begins,
And no one expects many wins.
Thank God for the Garlic Fries.
A WASHINGTON HAIKU
Two fat first basemen
Could sink their park into the
Anacostia.
Posted 4/2/08
“99 Years of Cub Losses”
by Tom LaTourette
Posted 10/14/07
Two from Queen of Angels School, Chicago
Heroes to Zeroes
by Courtney Smith
The Cubs used to be my heroes,
But now they’re big fat zeroes.
We say, “Playoffs, here we come!”
But playoffs they’ve never won,
Except in 1908.
Other than that, it’s not their fate.
Strike one, strike two, strike three–yer out!
It’s the Cubs, without a doubt.
Go, Cubs, Gone!
By Keenan Feller
Go, Cubs, Gone!
They lost their game,
They make me yawn.
They lost their fame.
I said, “Oh hey”
When I heard their name,
And now I say,
“Oh, what a shame.”
How sad it is
To be a fan.
The playoffs ended in a whiz.
Oh gee, aww man.
I thought this year,
“Oh yes they can.”
Again you hear,
“Oh gee, aww man.”
So now they blew it.
Their season’s drawn.
I really thought they could do it,
But I guess I was wrong.
It’s not a good way
That their season’s gone.
So what do ya say…
Go, Cubs, Gone.
Posted 10/12/07