The Final Frames are Finished

by James Finn Garner

The season’s done, the nights grow cold,
The best and worst of us grow old,
The Dodgers exult, the White Sox are hiring,
So let’s salute those players retiring.

Kyle Hendricks, beloved Cub
Now joins Denny’s Breakfast Club.

Joey Votto will still spread joy
Like a precocious, Pepsi-fueled boy.

Andrew McCutchen, with graceful ease,
Can now sleep in whenever he please.

In ’16 Jason Heyward got his ring,
Now he can orate on any old thing.

And old Rich Hill now takes the pill
Solely for his aches and ills.

Thank you, men, for the sounds and sights
That helped us pass our summer nights.
When the Hot Stove League convenes with friends,
We can say we saw you when.

 

Wouldn’t Bet Against It

by James Finn Garner

With betting cash flooding in streams,
Could baseball Charlie Hustle redeem?
Likewise Shoeless Joe?
Tucupita Marcano?
The “good of the game” can play odds, it would seem.

Pete Rose Won’t Get in the Hall

by James Finn Garner

(To the tune of that old song by Poison)

That Charlie Hustle had more hits
No one can deny
With that Dorothy Hammill haircut
We’d watch that face-first slide

He was one of the sparks of the Big Red Machine
Putting a little down on the side
Then he lied about it all
How he lied
That’s why it’s clear

Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
Ain’t no chance of it at all
Just like Shoeless Joe won’t get the commissioner’s call
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall

He signed Rule 21 at the start of every year
It read “No Gambling” but some of that wasn’t clear
I guess he didn’t hear
Thought he could lead the team
But his ears worked right
When he asked at night, “You swear that you’re 16?”

Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
Ain’t no chance of it at all
Just like Shoeless Joe won’t get the commissioner’s call
(Not just ‘cuz they’re dead)
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall

 

Big Klu

by James Finn Garner

When Leo the Lip tried to name
The five strongest bats in the game
He omitted Ted Klu
Hinted he lived in the zoo
Human being? He’s not quite the same.

When Hall of Fame manager Leo Durocher was once asked by a writer to name five of the strongest players in baseball, he complied. However, when the writer pointed out that he’d left Ted Kluszewski off the list, Durocher huffed and said, “Kluszewski? I’m talking about human beings!” Happy 100th birthday, Big Klu!

Labor Day Brewers Haiku

by @brewer_haikuer

134. Brewers 5, Reds 4 in 10
Split doubleheader
Crew take game 1 in extras
Jackson’s ankle good?

135. Brewers 14, Reds 0
Nightcap not so close
Offense gets ridiculous
No extras needed.

23 over!
Watch out, Philadelphia
Crew want in top 2.

136. Brewers 5, Reds 4
Willy and Jackson
Power offense while Perkins
Steals homer with glove.

Devin walks tightrope
By loading bases in 9th
But escapes the jam.

135. Reds 4, Brewers 3 in 11
Someone had to blink
Crew settle for 3 of 4
In Cincinnati.

Hello, Brent Suter
Congrats on some fine pitching
Wish it was in Blue.