How Hard is Hitting?
by Ted Kluszewski
How hard is hitting?
You ever walk
into a pitch-black room
full of furniture
that you’ve never been in before
and try
to walk
through it
without bumping into anything?
Well,
it’s harder than that.
The Final Frames are Finished
by James Finn Garner
The season’s done, the nights grow cold,
The best and worst of us grow old,
The Dodgers exult, the White Sox are hiring,
So let’s salute those players retiring.
Kyle Hendricks, beloved Cub
Now joins Denny’s Breakfast Club.
Joey Votto will still spread joy
Like a precocious, Pepsi-fueled boy.
Andrew McCutchen, with graceful ease,
Can now sleep in whenever he please.
In ’16 Jason Heyward got his ring,
Now he can orate on any old thing.
And old Rich Hill now takes the pill
Solely for his aches and ills.
Thank you, men, for the sounds and sights
That helped us pass our summer nights.
When the Hot Stove League convenes with friends,
We can say we saw you when.
Wouldn’t Bet Against It
by James Finn Garner
With betting cash flooding in streams,
Could baseball Charlie Hustle redeem?
Likewise Shoeless Joe?
Tucupita Marcano?
The “good of the game” can play odds, it would seem.
Pete Rose Won’t Get in the Hall
by James Finn Garner
(To the tune of that old song by Poison)
That Charlie Hustle had more hits
No one can deny
With that Dorothy Hammill haircut
We’d watch that face-first slide
He was one of the sparks of the Big Red Machine
Putting a little down on the side
Then he lied about it all
How he lied
That’s why it’s clear
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
Ain’t no chance of it at all
Just like Shoeless Joe won’t get the commissioner’s call
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
He signed Rule 21 at the start of every year
It read “No Gambling” but some of that wasn’t clear
I guess he didn’t hear
Thought he could lead the team
But his ears worked right
When he asked at night, “You swear that you’re 16?”
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
Ain’t no chance of it at all
Just like Shoeless Joe won’t get the commissioner’s call
(Not just ‘cuz they’re dead)
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall