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In a Good Winter

by Richie Hebner

In a good winter,
I’ll dig 50 graves.

It’s good work.
I get 25 bucks a grave.

If it has snowed, you just use a pick and shovel, scoop away the snow, the ground is good and soft.
But if it hasn’t snowed, the ground might be frozen two feet down.
You have to use a pneumatic drill.

One time last winter, the ground was so hard and the weather was so cold I said,
“Ah, that’s deep enough.”
There’s a law that a grave’s got to be so deep,
five feet or something,

And the Rabbi says,
“That’s not deep enough.”

“Did you ever see one get out?”
I asked him.

h/t to Jim Koenigsberger and his great Twitter account, @Jimfrombaseball

 

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The Final Frames are Finished

by James Finn Garner

The season’s done, the nights grow cold,
The best and worst of us grow old,
The Dodgers exult, the White Sox are hiring,
So let’s salute those players retiring.

Kyle Hendricks, beloved Cub
Now joins Denny’s Breakfast Club.

Joey Votto will still spread joy
Like a precocious, Pepsi-fueled boy.

Andrew McCutchen, with graceful ease,
Can now sleep in whenever he please.

In ’16 Jason Heyward got his ring,
Now he can orate on any old thing.

And old Rich Hill now takes the pill
Solely for his aches and ills.

Thank you, men, for the sounds and sights
That helped us pass our summer nights.
When the Hot Stove League convenes with friends,
We can say we saw you when.

 

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Big Klu

by James Finn Garner

When Leo the Lip tried to name
The five strongest bats in the game
He omitted Ted Klu
Hinted he lived in the zoo
Human being? He’s not quite the same.

When Hall of Fame manager Leo Durocher was once asked by a writer to name five of the strongest players in baseball, he complied. However, when the writer pointed out that he’d left Ted Kluszewski off the list, Durocher huffed and said, “Kluszewski? I’m talking about human beings!” Happy 100th birthday, Big Klu!