Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
My legend will soon be a Pfaadt accompli
Wait, is Lovullo coming for me?!
For 17 batters, I shackled those Phils,
Manhandling the mighty with my poison pills.
But this analytic whoozywhatzit
Overthinking has forced my exit.
Start with pitching from Aaron Nola
Rich and smoky as cappicola
Add a Castellanos tater
And two bombs from Schwarber later
And hot corner sauce from Alec Bohm
Stingy as a Hogwarts gnome
Serve in a park where the foundations shake —
All that equals famine for the Snakes.
A baserunning blunder
had clapback like thunder
but somehow, for the offending team.
Bryce Harper’s brain spasm
caused clubhouse sarcasm,
now the Braves’ year has run out of steam.
The Cubs of 1969:
A season with Hall of Famers,
But an ending not at all divine.
The Indians of 2005:
Chicago’s Pale Hose swept them
Like a beekeeper a beehive.
The Red Sox of 1978:
Bucky Bleepin’ Dent
Kept them from playoff’s gate.
The Blue Jays of 1987:
Many Canadians still mourn
Missing out on baseball’s heaven.
The Phillies of 1964:
“The Phold” phirmly closed
Access to the Fall Classic’s door.
Dr. Oza is a management consultant and facilitates the interpersonal dynamics of MBAs at Stanford University. His novel, Double Play, will be published in 2024 by Chicago’s Third World Press.
I was waiting at the bar for a playoff date
And looked at my watch. It’s getting late.
Then I heard the emphatic bartender,
With his fist pump, mask, and chest protector,
Announce to the lingering, glassy patrons:
“It’s last call. Closing time,” he intones
As he wipes the bar, satisfied with himself,
And begins putting teams on the postseason shelf —
Brands like Atlanta, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Tampa
(and just maybe Seattle, Chicago, or Philadelphia) —
And as he does, he continues to drone:
“It’s hotel-motel time if you can’t go home,
But right now, you can’t stay here —
And hey, better luck when we open next year.”
Pictured is Baseball Bill Holdforth, bartender and rabid DC baseball fan. For the story of how he worked to keep owner Bob Short out of the US Senate, check out this story from washingtonbaseballhistory.com.