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Ode to Scott Podsednik

by James Finn Garner

.

Scottie Pods, Scottie Pods,
What were the chances?
Oh, what were the odds?

Cut by the Rockies because you’re too old–
Your step getting heavy, your bat growing cold–
The Pale Hose invite you back into the fold
And you climb your way back like the grinder of old.
Fans love a player still hungry and bold
Who refuses to note for whom the bell’s tolled.
In the hot summer night, the scoreboard explodes
As you dig hard to mine one more season of gold.

Scottie Pods, Scottie Pods,
What were the chances?
Oh, what were the odds?

.

Posted 8/6/2009

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National League West 2009 Haiku Forecasts

By Stuart Shea

DODGERS
What causes shadows
Gath’ring over Dodgertown?
Oh. It’s Manny’s hair.

DIAMONDBACKS
Risky tightrope walk—
Using Felipe Lopez
As a regular.

GIANTS
If it rained all year
S.F. would avoid losing
100 ballgames.

PADRES
No big stars, no hope
Dark days ahead for the fans
Despite bright Cali skies.

ROCKIES
Jeff Francis’ arm
Wilted like Boston lettuce
Left out far too long.

Posted 3/25/09

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Rocky Road–My Favorite!

By Stuart Shea

Chocolate-dipped in a stale sugar cone,
The Rockies emit a miserable moan.

Last year the Series a reachable goal,
This year, last place and 12 games in the hole.

Their bats are as flabby as Jell-O congealed,
With pitching you’d find on a Little League field.

Where’s Tulo? He’s hurt, batting .152,
And Brad Hawpe’s bat has a case of the flu,

The offense an orange without any juice–
In a ballpark like Coors, there’s just no excuse.
Their 2007 pitchers a challenging foe,
But two thousand eight is a sick horror show.

Ubaldo Jimenez is just 1 and 6,
Jeff Francis ain’t fooling no one with his tricks.

Kip Wells, Micah Bowie, and–ugh–Glendon Rusch
Just prove that this pitching staff hasn’t got much.

What’s in a year? What will the team do?
I’m sure they’ll get better–in a season or two.

Posted 6/7/08 

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Dr. Seuss, Meet Brad Hawpe

by James Finn Garner

It’s fun to watch the pitchers gawp
When Brad Hawpe
Comes up to bat,

‘Cuz, just like that,
With one blow,
A scoreless tie becomes 3-0.

So if you want your fans to yawp!
You need a player like Brad Hawpe.

Posted 4/16/08. 

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Madonna’s Greatest Baseball Hits

By Stuart Shea

I.
Matt Holliday,
Let’s celebrate.
Matt Holliday,
He can hit so nice.

II.
Borderline,
Looks like he’s going to lose his mind
If Jeff Kent keeps striking out
On balls on the borderline.

III.
Cub fans,
The only ones who understand,
They break our heart but we renew…
‘Cause true blue, baby, we love you.

IV.
Some teams chase me, some teams beg me
I think they’re OK,
But if they don’t give ten-year contracts,
I’ll just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can’t make me sign (they whine)
That GM with cold hard cash
Will always bend his spine, he will because we’re

Living in a material game
And I have a material name
You know that we are living in a material game
And I have a material name.

Posted 4/6/08