Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Fernando TatÃs
Hits home runs with ease
But you should watch him try
To watch telenovelas and not cry.
Bo Bichette
Once used a baguette
To swing at a pitched ball
Left fans in stitches in Montreal.
Max Muncy
Gets pretty punchy
When you ask why his name
Sounds like a gumshoe in a board game.
Gerrit Cole
Would sell his soul
For the secret of eternal youth
And to eat hot dogs like Babe Ruth.
Mike Trout
An All-Star, but out,
A parallel, I suppose,
To his post-season career with the Halos.
Ozzie Albies
Likes to trek through the tall trees
And ask the numberless stars
How many Ozzies there are.
Carlos Rodón
Has got it goin’ on
Non-tendered after 2020
Now mowing down batters like el jefe.
Buster Posey
Doesn’t want to be nosey
But just wants to know that
You’re gonna finish eating that?
Shohei Ohtani
Crushes balls unlike any
And pitches like a mystery–
Face it, folks, we’re watching history.
Josh Hader
Might bring his waders
Along on the All-Star break
And do some fishing on a cool Colorado lake.
Jesse Winker
Tends to lay off the sinkers
But he can go nuts
For a well-made cronut.
J.T. Realmuto’s
Favorite might be Pluto
Among cartoon dogs, but he
Identifies the most with Muttley.
Gregory Soto
Swears like a mofo
When he misses with that strike,
Let’s hope he’s not miked.
Nelson Cruz
Has paid his dues
A better batter in his fifth decade
He’ll go straight from the trainer’s room to Medicaid.
Marcus Semien
Is an infield chameleon
He currently looks great in Blue
Could easily switch to Cardinal or Red, too.
Yusei Kikuchi
Would like to send a smoochie
To his mom and dad in Japan
And all the Saitama Seibu Lions fans.
Mike Moustakas
Shakes air-maracas
When he sets his phone to play
“Not Fade Away.”
Anthony Rendon
Is bad to the bone
A little George Thoroughgood
Puts him in a killer mood.
George Springer
Is adroit with dingers
And often later
Brings more taters.
Hunter Pence
Is still intense
But has learned to be discrete
In the Texas heat.