Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Rich Hill
Took the pill
And struck out six
With his little soccer kick.
Kenta Maeda
Might want to look into ayurveda
A holistic theory of medicine
That might help him pitch more than two batters in.
Manny Machado
Is a no-hustle desperado
Even in the NLCS
He’ll prove he’s a dirty ess.
Cody Bellinger?
There’s no telling, sir,
Who will wear the hero’s coat
When the team is packed with so many goats.
On the occasion of the 50th anniversary…
Mickey Lolich
Sure knew how to pitch
And after mowing down opponents
He retired to make the donuts.
Mickey Stanley
Really came in handy.
Move to shortstop from center field?
Hey, Mayo, no big deal!
Stormin’ Norman Cash
All muscle, no flash
A steady squint, a Texas drawl
And a hunk of chaw to finish it all.
Bill Freehan
Was quite the he-man
Proud to stand up and block
The plate from Lou Brock.
Denny McLain
Was a royal pain–
A rip-off artist, a fraud, a sumbitch–
But in ’68, the bastard knew how to pitch.
Al Kaline
Hit .379
Drove in eight runs
And deserved every bit of his fun.
George Springer
Makes a humdinger
Of a Mojito
Garnished with Fritos.
Michael Brantley
Once appeared scantily
As a Chippendale dancer
Though it’s a query he won’t answer.
Blake Treinin
Takes the BART train in
To SF when the A’s don’t play–
A peripatetic citizen of the Bay.
Willson Contreras
Has never seen Paris
Nor does he care to,
Since he cannot “Parlez-vous”.
Freddie Freeman
Plays “Mario Kart” like a demon
But goes down in flames
In single-shooter games.
Scooter Gennett
Prefers natural rennet,
If you please,
When he makes his off-season cheese.
Buster Posey
Thinks everything’s rosy
In the City by the Bay,
But he doesn’t read the paper every day.
Luis Severino
Pitches like a vintage Ford Torino,
Which means in between starts,
It’s hard to find replacement parts.
Javier Baez,
Everyone says,
Is El Mago
de Chicago.
Jose Altuve
Likes his granola bars chewy
But has no affection
For other confections.
Nick Markakis
Started a fracas
When he suggested Atlanta might try to reach
And name a street for something other than a peach.
Christian Yelich
Would like to squelich
Any rumors that he
Doesn’t like playing in Milwaukee.