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The Hirsute of Happiness

by Greg Simetz

The Yankees offseason was not inconsequential;
They lost slugger Soto whom all deemed fundamental
But the Cash Man got busy, signed Bellinger, Goldschmidt and Fried
Though the bigger news by far came from the facial hair side:
Their beard ban was shaved after a 50-year drought.
The ground crew’s been ordered to let stubble sprout
So come Opening Day, here’s the new Murderer’s Row:
Wells, Stanton and Volpe sporting 5 o’clock shadows.
Can ZZ Top Bombers stop the Dodgers from winning?
Or stop beating themselves in horrific 5th innings?
There’s only one thing for sure we’ll all get to see:
Aaron Judge going from goat to goatee.

 

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In a Good Winter

by Richie Hebner

In a good winter,
I’ll dig 50 graves.

It’s good work.
I get 25 bucks a grave.

If it has snowed, you just use a pick and shovel, scoop away the snow, the ground is good and soft.
But if it hasn’t snowed, the ground might be frozen two feet down.
You have to use a pneumatic drill.

One time last winter, the ground was so hard and the weather was so cold I said,
“Ah, that’s deep enough.”
There’s a law that a grave’s got to be so deep,
five feet or something,

And the Rabbi says,
“That’s not deep enough.”

“Did you ever see one get out?”
I asked him.

h/t to Jim Koenigsberger and his great Twitter account, @Jimfrombaseball

 

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Life is Good

by James Finn Garner

Winter’s been raw as a campout in Banff,
Your new basement walls are moldy and damp,
Your curtains caught fire from a knocked-over lamp —
.      Relax!
.      Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.

Your check-writing hand’s developed a cramp,
Your bills are all due and you ain’t got a stamp,
Creditors cling to your neck like a clamp —
.      Smile!
.      Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.

Your yard is now split by a new freeway ramp,
Your son is engaged to a gold-digging tramp,
Your “guitar hero” neighbor’s just bought a new amp —
.      Life is good!
.      Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.

 

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MLB All-Valentines-Day Team

1B   Pete Roses
2B   Cupid Childs
SS    Jake Flowers
3B   Candy Jim Taylor

LF   Barry Bon-Bonds
CF   Candy Maldonado
RF   Eros “Country” Slaughter

C    Gabby Heartnett

LHP   Slim Love, Vance Lovelace, Richard Lovelady
RHP   Ben Flowers, Bill Monbouquette, Vicente Amor

MGR   Bobby Valentine

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MLB All-Rudolph-The-Red-Nosed-Reindeer Team

1B   Steve Christmas
2B   Cupid Childs
SS   Dancerby Swanson
3B   Minnie “the Cuban Comet” Miñoso

LF   Tim Raines-deer
CF   Rudolph Ash
RF   Foghorn Bradley

C    Ken Rudolph

DH  Donner Baylor

LHP   Lee Dashner, Al Clauss
RHP   Josh Fogg, Joe “Blitzen” Benz, Bill Slayback

MGR   Santa Alomar

Comet illustrated by John Hartwell.

When looking for an image to accompany this team, I found that Baseball Reference had created a lineup and player trading cards for all of Santa’s team. Check out this fun idea from 2014. 

And have a merry Christmas, Bardballers!