Pure doggerel – Bardball

The Curious Case of Fidd Sinch

During this Spring Training,
Wizened old scouts were heaping
Much praise on Tigers rookie Fidd Sinch:

“A Tibetan phenom, ah!
He prays like the Dalai Lama
And throws like a reincarnated Mark Fidrych.”

Fidd, named after “The Bird,”
Chants a silly-sly Buddhist word
Before every thrown ball.

The chanted mantra is Ton-Plimp, Ton-Plimp,
Meaning “Beware of the cheeky chimp
Penning this April 1 doggerel.”

In honor of the 40th anniversary of George Plimpton’s Sports Illustrated April Fools’ Day hoax.

The gods place bets with loaded dice,
And all our earthly dreams betray,
But listen to one clown’s advice,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,
With consequences we shall pay.
But somewhere, it’s our finest hour,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

Our weary age is full of war,
The daily news brings dark dismay,
So surf the dreams worth living for,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

April 9, 1976: Rudy Schaffer, Paul Richards and Chisox owner Bill Veeck ring in Opening Day at Comiskey Park.

Signing up for another hitch
To field a nine to hit and pitch
My squad last year just up and died
Reckless with my baseball pride

Where’s my Mantle off the farm?
My rotation always finds bum arms
And my whizbang keystone pair
Can muster neither clue nor prayer

. In my fog all the stats
. Become an acronym loop
. WHIP, FIP, GO/AO, BABIP–
. Wait, isn’t BABIP Korean soup?

Every morning, I link in,
Despite my trades, always sinking.
Why should I let it get me down?
Someone’s gotta be the Browns.

1B Hank Greenberg
2B Grant Green
SS Pumpsie Green
3B Andy Green

LF Mike Greenwell
CF Lenny Green
RF Danny Green

C Charlie Greene

LHP Chris Green
RHP Clarence Beers, Jameson Taillon, Suds Sutherland

MGR Dallas Green

From 1909. Ripley went on to create the syndicated Ripley’s Believe It or Not! in 1918. Thanks to the tumblr account of Mighty Flynn.